In Your Embrace
by SunnyDAndRum
Summary: Kendall and James struggle to make it work when a problem arises on their two month anniversary. Kames.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: So, this is my first BTR fic! I hope you like it. :)**_

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_Today's our anniversary. Today's our anniversary and he's not even here._

Kendall paced his and James' shared room. James had gone out earlier that day for their anniversary, while Kendall had waited for something, anything, to happen.

No "happy anniversary" had been exchanged.

Kendall and James had been dating for two months before this, and for two weeks of that, Logan and Carlos had seen James "with another guy". It didn't bother Kendall at first – he thought it was probably just some new friend. James was allowed to have friends. But then Carlos had seen something and had started to ignore James – without telling him what it was.

Logan, being too smart for his own good, had "seen this coming from the beginning," in his own words.

"James isn't as emotionally mature as you, Kendall," he had told the blonde. "He might not be ready for a stable relationship yet."

And Kendall had scoffed at that. James loved him. He knew that. Right?

And yet, James was gone, he was here, and Carlos and Logan refused to talk to James for forgetting their anniversary.

Kendall had rehearsed what he would say to James when he got home a thousand times in his head. Where were you, how could you forget, you'd better have a good excuse. They were all part of his self-righteous speech, but as time wore on, Kendall's ire wore out.

What did it matter, really? It was only two months. Six months was more important, and a year even more so. Kendall didn't want to be the one who freaked out over the tiniest things – no, he wanted to be laidback enough that James didn't have to stand on eggshells around him. But when it came to James, what he wanted to do and what he did were two entirely separate things.

Kendall was crossing the living room floor of 2J for the twenty seventh time when the door eased open.

James slunk through the door, unusual seeing as he normally threw it open, and stepped inside. Kendall noticed straight away that although it was cold outside, and night, James wasn't wearing a jacket. His skin, normally tanned, was red with the cold, and he was visibly shaking, hair messy and windblown.

"James."

James jumped and turned to face Kendall, and Kendall couldn't help but notice the way James flinched, like he was waiting for Kendall to yell.

"Where were you?"

James opened his mouth, then closed it. He shook his head and croaked, "I just wanna have a shower and go to bed, Kendall."

His voice cracked and he looked away.

"James, wait, hang on." Kendall jumped the couch. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"It is," Kendall protested. "I know you and I know when something's wrong, and something's definitely wrong. Where've you been the last two days?"

"Kendall, just drop it." James tried to duck away, but Kendall refused to let him. He placed his arms on either side of James' head on the wall. He was expecting James to duck under, but that didn't happen. Instead, he was alarmed when James yelled, "Don't!" and stood in the one place, stock still.

"James." Kendall dropped his arms. "James, what's wrong?"

James shook his head.

Kendall chewed his lip, then decided to try a different tack.

"James, what happened when you were out? Who were you with?" Kendall asked. James wrapped his arms around his body, looking away, not looking at him. Kendall was alarmed by the way he seemed to shrink and become smaller at the question.

"Kendall, I don't…"

"You can tell me. I won't be mad, James."

"Kendall, I don't remember anything."

Kendall forgot to breathe, and James looked like he was going to cry. His eyes glittered when he looked towards the window. Kendall forced himself to inhale.

"James, what… what do you mean, you don't remember? James? You were gone all yesterday, all night, and all of today, and now it's eight at night. You must remember something."

"All I remember is that I was in a bar and I thought you'd forgotten our anniversary and I got a glass of wine, and then I started feeling really sick and I went to the bathroom to throw up and something held back my hair and I thought he was you, that you'd come looking for me… and then I realised he wasn't you but I couldn't get away, and after that…"

"James…"

"After that I woke up naked in a hotel room."

Kendall stared at him. James' lower lip quivered threateningly for a moment.

"I'm sorry, Kendall," he moaned. "I don't remember anything, and I wanted yesterday to be perfect, and…" James' breath hitched. "I'm so sorry, Kendall."

Not knowing what else to do, Kendall wrapped his arms around James gently, disbelieving. James didn't stop hugging himself, and Kendall lowered them both to the floor, stroking his hair gently. "I'll be fine, James," he said, with nothing else to say that would make it alright. "We'll go get a rape kit done… you'll be fine… it's all gonna be okay…" And Kendall didn't know if he was telling James or himself.

"I don't want a rape kit. I don't want anyone to know, Kendall. Especially not Carlos or Logan. Logan would just say I told you so, and Carlos isn't talking to me… they'd hate me, Kendall."

And Kendall reflected that the worst part of this was that James wasn't even crying, not really, just laying against Kendall's body and sniffling into his shirt. A few tears tracked down his cheeks, tears Kendall had never wanted to see.

"James," Kendall said, "if they saw you like this, they'd be worried. Not angry. They'd forget about everything, I promise. And… James, I'm sorry, but you need to get the rape kit done. If you were, and the other guy didn't use protection…"

"Okay. You'll be there, though, right?"

"Of course."

"Kendall, I wanted you to be my first."

* * *

"Right, let's get started."

"Am I allowed to be there?" Kendall asked when James; hand squeezed his tightly.

"I'm sorry, Kendall. You can wait right here for James, though. Now, you said you don't remember anything?"

"No." James shook his head. "Nothing."

"Right, first we'll do a few toxicology scans, see if you were drugged in any way. Have you showered or changed clothes?"

"No. Kendall made me come straight here."

"Okay. Let's get started. Come with me, James."

James turned to look at Kendall before disappearing through a double-sliding door.

Kendall waited.

He watched at the clock ticked from eight PM to eight thirty to nine.

The doors opened, and James came out, escorted by the doctor. Kendall was relieved to see him give a small smile, and stood up to hug him.

"Right, boys. I'll call you back sometime tomorrow, alright?"

"Okay."

Leaving the hospital, Kendall turned to James. "Are you okay?"

"I think so." James nodded. "They made me get a needle, though."

Kendall winced. James had been afraid of needles ever since he had an allergic reaction to Barracuda man spray. Apparently, the doctor was none too gentle with it.

"Alright," Kendall said. "Let's go home."

"Carlos and Logan are gonna be furious with me, Kendall. Tell them I'm sick and that I'm going straight to bed. Please?"

"James…"

"I just want to shower and sleep."

"Okay. Alright."

They opened the door, but 2J was empty. James looked around before grabbing an apple and slinking into the bathroom. He closed the door and Kendall heard the shower start. He waited for the usual litany of speech, but it didn't come. The shower shut off twenty five minutes earlier than it usually did, and when the light turned off, Kendall knew James had gone to bed.

He slid down the wall.

"Shit."

_What am I supposed to do?_

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_**A/N: The next chapter is already written! Reviews are love. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows.**_


	2. Interlude in the Bathroom

**A/N Thanks to everyone who reviewed or favourited the story! On with chapter 2!**

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Logan was looking lovingly over notes from a math seminar when the phone call came through Kendall's phone. Big Time Rush's "Halfway There" blasted through the speakers, tinny but loud in the empty space.

He was about to get up and tell Kendall, but the message went straight to voicemail.

"Mr. Knight, it's Doctor Chambers speaking. I'm calling about the results of Mr. Diamond's rape kit. I'd like to see you both in my office as soon as possible. Thank you."

There was a long beep.

James? Raped?

Logan flinched at the thought. When would it have happened? How? James was tall, strong, his height enough to ward most perverts away. He was too finicky about his appearance to let the rest of the boys touch him, let alone a stranger.

But rape isn't consensual, Logan's doctor voice said.

Logan played the message three times to be sure he'd heard right. Then he put down his pencil and went to find Kendall.

* * *

"Kendall?"

Kendall turned to see Logan standing there, holding Kendall's phone in one hand and a sheaf of papers in the other. His vision went red for a moment before he calmed down enough to say, "Logan, I can't talk right now, I have to wake up James…"

"That's what I want to talk to you about," Logan said. Kendall followed him to the living room, and Logan held up Kendall's phone. His expression was one of stunned disbelief, one of fear. "Kendall… why is the hospital calling about a rape kit?"

Kendall sank onto the couch. "So they called back?"

"Yeah."

"What'd they say?"

"You haven't answered my question."

"And I'm not going to. No offence, Logan, but you haven't been exactly supportive of mine and James' relationship. He doesn't want anybody to know. What'd the message say?"

"The doctor wants to see you and James as quickly as possible."

Kendall stood and grabbed his jacket and phone. "I'm going to the hospital," he said. "To see Doctor Chambers."

"He wants to see you both."

"Logan, if it's bad news… I'd rather James heard it from me."

* * *

When Logan went into the kitchen to get a snack, James had been in his and Kendall's room. When Logan came out, James was sitting on the couch, sniffling.

"James? What's wrong?" As if I didn't know.

"Just allergies," James said, not looking at him.

Logan went back to the kitchen and made a cup of tea. He took it back to James and put it into his hands, afraid that if he didn't James wouldn't realise it was there, and wouldn't realise that Logan was trying to fix things.

"That should help clear it up," Logan said.

James looked at him, and for a moment, Logan wanted to look away. James' eyes were streaming, glittering, laced with fear and doubt and grief. He stared at Logan for a moment.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" he asked finally. "I thought you'd be mad."

Logan shook his head. "Kendall's right. I should have just backed off ages ago. You sure that's just your allergies?"

James sipped at the mug, and his hands shook. Logan quickly steadied them with his own, afraid that James would drop the mug. He wondered if underneath the hoodie and sweats James was bruised and broken, wondered if someone other than Kendall had managed to sneak access to James' body, his skin. Logan didn't like that train of thought.

"Um," James said.

Logan handed him a tissue. James wiped his eyes with it hurriedly.

"James, you know you can tell me."

"I wanted things to be perfect for our anniversary," James blurted. "So I went out and I was getting stuff so that we could have dinner. And then when I got home, nobody was there, and there was just a note from Carlos saying you all went to get smoothies."

"We never went to get smoothies," Logan said.

"Yeah, well, I figured as much," James said bitterly. "And there was nothing from Kendall. I went to a bar and I had a glass of wine, and I'd only taken a few sips before I started feeling…"

James choked off and clammed up. Logan didn't need to ask more.

"Let's watch a movie," Logan said.

"I'm scared, Logan."

"I know," Logan said. "I know, James."

James wiped his eyes. "Where's Kendall?"

"He just went out. He'll be back soon."

James nodded, but a second later he closed his eyes, and Logan watched as a sob tore through him. He took the cup before James could drop it and put his arms around him.

"None of us should have let it get this bad," he said. "God, James, I'm so sorry."

The door swung open, and Logan's heart almost broke when he saw James look hopefully towards it, evidently expecting Kendall. It wasn't – it was Carlos, who looked stunned at the sight of a pale, weepy James.

"James? Are you…?"

"Everything's fine."

Before Logan could register it, James was off the couch, out of his arms and closing the bedroom door.

"Logan, what's wrong with James?"

"It's not really my place to say, Carlos."

"He looks so sad."

"Yeah. Maybe you should try to cheer him up, Carlos. You're the best at that," Logan said, partly because it was true and partly because Carlos was just looking so miserable and dejected.

Logan watched Carlos bound into the room, and reflected that he was a terrible friend. How had things gotten this bad?

* * *

Logan was still sitting on the couch when Kendall came in half an hour later, looking puffed. He sank into an armchair.

"So?" Logan asked.

Kendall rubbed his face. "They said that while there's no evidence of rape, someone… prepared… him. Like they were going to and got interrupted. It was only fingers, Logan, but I… I'm so angry." Kendall's voice trembled and cracked with rage. "If I ever find the guy who did this to him, Logan, I swear…"

"What about the tests? For infections?"

"He's in the clear."

"Kendall, he got lucky. A lot people who are raped are found dead months later. If it was only fingers…"

"Logan, you don't understand. He's… he's a virgin. He wanted me to be his first."

Logan was silent, because what can you say to that? Only a million things that'll make the situation worse.

Kendall stood. "Where is he?"

"In your room. Carlos was with him. He was trying to cheer him up, I think. He was sitting on the couch crying after you left, he told me it was his allergies… I tried to cheer him up with a cup of tea but it made everything worse. When Carlos came in he was crying."

"They found GHB in his blood," Kendall murmured, sinking back onto the couch. "Apparently it's a popular date-rape drug. Apparently it's clear and odorless and dissolves in water. James wouldn't have even known what hit him."

"At least it wasn't ecstasy. There are a lot worse drugs out there, Kendall."

"He can't remember anything, Logan!" Kendall stood but Logan grabbed his wrist and yanked him back down.

"Maybe that's a good thing," he whispered. "Kendall, I've heard about GHB before. All things considered, he's lucky. It's an amnesiac, and it can make people pretty sick in a high dosage, but the guy who did this obviously wanted him alive."

"Why did he stop?" Kendall asked.

"Maybe he almost got caught. Maybe he realised who his victim was and knew that people would be looking for him."

"We're talking about a rapist, Logan, they don't have feelings."

Logan nodded. "Then maybe someone saved James. Hell, maybe James fought back and just doesn't remember. Does he have bruises?"

"I didn't even check," Kendall mumbled. "He thought the guy was me."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I guess he looked like me. Or maybe even sounded like me. James said he realised almost straight after that it wasn't me, but that he couldn't stand up by himself and got led out, and everyone just let them go. That's all he remembers."

The door opened, and Carlos came out, looking worried.

"James is sick."

Kendall was off the couch before Logan could open his mouth.

"What happened, Carlos?" Logan asked.

"I don't know. He was looking pretty sad and I tried to cheer him up, but he just said he wanted Kendall. Then he started getting really pale and said he thought he was gonna throw up. Logan, is James sick? Is that why he was crying before?"

"Yeah. Let's go with that."

* * *

"James?"

"I'm fine," James mumbled. Kendall pushed his hair back and felt for fever, but there was none. He looked at James closely, then flushed the toilet.

"Where were you?" James asked as Kendall wrapped him in his arms and pulled him to sit draped over Kendall's lap. He rested his head on Kendall's shoulder, letting his teeth click shut miserably. He felt Kendall's legs move a bit. That Kendall was alive and breathing and there with him almost made tears spring to his eyes.

"I was at the hospital."

"What? Why? Did my test results come back?"

"Yeah," Kendall said with a smile. "You're good."

"I want the details, Kendall."

Kendall sighed.

"Someone prepared you. If you know what I mean. But there was nothing more than that."

James shivered and Kendall rubbed his back. Someone had had their fingers there. Nobody except Kendall was supposed to touch there. Only people you loved and who loved you were supposed to see that.

"James."

"Mmm."

"Do you have bruises?"

James blinked. "I didn't check," he said honestly. "I just wanted to get home."

"Do you mind if I do?"

James was silent, but Kendall felt him tense, and he looked away from the side of Kendall's neck. All of James' body language told Kendall James didn't want him to look but wasn't going to say so, and Kendall wondered how much damage this had done emotionally to James.

"If you don't want me to, I won't," he said.

James smiled a little. "It's okay."

_It's not me looking he has a problem with. It's me not asking. So long as I ask it's fine. He just wants to know he has control here._ And Kendall could tell, too, by the way James had loosened up again and seemed alright.

Kendall was unsure where to start; he began lifting up James' t-shirt, a light blue one with a black pattern on the front. For once, he wasn't paying attention to the washboard abs James was so damn proud of, and instead his hips.

Dark purple bruises littered them, and Kendall could see grooves where fingernails had been dug in for a long time. There were pour fingerprint bruises on each hip, and rotating James to the side, he saw a larger thumb print close to James' kidneys.

Kendall felt a bolt of terror.

_This guy must have been huge. If his hands fit all the way around James' hips and back…_

"Kendall? James?"

"We're fine," Kendall said.

"Can we come in?"

"You've got Logan in doctor mode, James. Alright, Logan." Kendall pulled down James' shirt and smiled at him. James stared back at him as the door opened, chewing his lip in distress. His hands dug into Kendall's neck, where he was holding on.

"Is it bad?"

"No," Kendall lied easily.

"James?" Logan stuck his head round the door. "How're you feeling?"

"Okay. Better."

Logan nodded and came in. He smiled at the six-foot-two James curled on Kendall's lap, who was a few inches shorter. He knew Kendall's legs were probably going numb. He knew Kendall probably didn't care.

"I hate to break it to you, but you don't really fit there." Logan went for the thermometer.

"Logan, no, I hate that thi-"

Logan shoved the thermometer into James' mouth and received a glare in return.

"I already checked, Logan, he's fine," Kendall said with a smile.

"James?"

They all looked up to see Carlos coming in, holding a glass of chocolate milk. He was chewing his lip.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked, and Logan smiled at how timid their excitable friend had become while James was being sick. James smiled and nodded. Carlos stepped in. "I got you chocolate milk."

Logan took the thermometer.

"I should get sick more often," James said.

They all sat around sharing the one glass of chocolate milk and talking about nothing in particular, and Logan and Carlos chose to ignore that James was still shaking and even now couldn't meet their eyes directly. Kendall rubbed James' back soothingly.

The bathroom door opened, and Mrs. Knight stared down at them in bewilderment. She saw James sitting on Kendall's lap (where he obviously didn't fit) Logan crammed into the bathtub, and Carlos making a bed of towels on the scales, the glass of half-empty chocolate milk cradled in James' hands. she blinked.

"Uh," Kendall said.

"This looks weird, right?" Logan said.

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**A/N what a crap way to end the chapter. I'm thinking maybe 3 more for this one? Thanks again to everyone who reviewed or favourited or even read it and didn't do either! You guys rock :)**


	3. Fighting The Fear

**A/N everyone's reviews make me SO FREAKING HAPPY! I'm trying to update every 1-2 days, and if I can't I'll try and let you all know. Now on with the chapter!**

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_GHB._

"_I don't remember anything."_

_Rape kit. _

"_I'm so sorry, Kendall."_

_People seeing what they shouldn't see. His James, at the mercy of another._

"_I woke up naked in a hotel."_

_Non-consensual._

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The bathroom light flicking on was what woke Kendall. What got him moving and out of bed was the absence of James in his arms. He had fallen asleep stroking James' back with his fingertips, avoiding the dark bruises marring his lower spine. James didn't seem to know they were there yet, or if he did, he didn't say anything.

Kendall crawled out of bed and shivered as the night air hit his skin. He walked into the bathroom, finding James holding his wife beater up around his chest, examining the marks.

"James."

James jumped, dropping his hands and turning to face Kendall. Kendall noticed straight away that James was deathly pale and trembling faintly.

"Are you okay?" Kendall asked concernedly, moving towards him.

"I think I'm getting sick," James croaked. His voice was scratchy and awful and Kendall realised he would never be able to practice harmonies with his voice like that. He also realised, worried, that James had come home without a jacket and hadn't been allowed to warm up in the shower. He wildly tried to remember when James had showered – hours later.

"I'm gonna go get Logan-"

"Don't wake Logan up, Kendall," James sniffled. "He needs sleep like the rest of us."

"Alright. We can watch a movie if you want."

James smiled. "That sounds good."

Of course, the terrible thing about this was that Kendall didn't know where the boundaries were. He and James had only been together for two months prior to the incident and they hadn't had a chance to establish more than baseline rules – James didn't touch Kendall's hockey stuff, and Kendall didn't even look at all of James' hair care products. They also made an effort not to isolate themselves. But they'd also never really got past the occasional kiss.

Kendall wanted to take things slow. James had a string of bad relationships behind him and Kendall wanted to prove that he was different, that he would wait for James, take his lead on things. So it was strange when he sat on the couch, legs up, and James settled between them, laying on his chest.

_This is different._

James had never done that before; he had never just lay against Kendall, even when they were along. Kendall wondered, nervously, if James wanted something he couldn't provide.

James coughed abruptly. Kendall hated the sound; it came from deep within James' chest and sounded wet and congested. James, to him, had always been the epitome of healthy; tall, athletic, clear skin and a good outlook on life. Seeing James sick was, to him, like seeing the Titanic sink.

"Do you want anything for that?"

"Nah, I'm good." James laid his head down against Kendall's chest and settled back to watch the hockey game on screen.

They lay like that for a long time, and Kendall wasn't sure where to put his hands. Eventually, he just let them settle over James' spine. He watched his boyfriend with his head at an awkward angle, ran his hands from the nape of James' neck to his hips, feeling the breath sigh in and out of him, and marveled at this beautiful boy being his.

Kendall saw James' eyelids flutter with exhaustion and he gathered James tighter to his body, trying to stave off the chills that were wracking through his body. James barely opened his eyes, just glanced up and then let them slide shut.

"I've got you," Kendall said absently. He made no conscious effort to say the words; they just slipped out.

He didn't know how long they lay there on the couch, only that the sun began to rise just as his eyes were closing, and that Katie's music didn't start playing when it normally did because her and his mother were in Minnesota.

He heard a rustle in the kitchen but he was so tired his eyes wouldn't open, but he wouldn't sleep. He would stay awake, make sure James was alright, make sure he was safe, that no nightmares filtered into his dreams.

"Kendall."

He opened his eyes blearily. James stirred against him, and he saw Logan smiling at him from a crouch.

"How long have you been out here?"

"Couple of hours," Kendall said, voice rough with disuse. "James couldn't sleep. He uh…" Kendall's brain felt like a merry-go-round. "He said he thinks he's getting sick, Logan."

Logan brushed his hand over James' forehead gently, frowning. "Yeah," Logan said. "He's got a fever. I'll go get him something for it. I made you guys breakfast, too. Carlos wanted to but we need the kitchen for the rest of our time here so I didn't let him."

"Wait. Carlos was quiet?"

"I thought it was the end of the world," Logan said. "Listen, James is shivering. I'm gonna go get the thermometer and a blanket for you. You look pretty cold."

"I don't know," Kendall said, startled that that's the truth. "I was so busy worrying about James I didn't really think about me all that much."

Logan was back with the blanket in a flash, and Kendall wondered sleepily if he was some sort of superhero. He watched as Logan smoothed the hair off James; left ear and inserted an ear thermometer. Carlos refused to use the oral one, and so their unconventional family had two.

"Stop it, Logan," James muttered.

"Hold still!"

James stopped moving, and was back asleep within five minutes. Logan removed the thermometer from his ear.

"What's the verdict, Doctor Logan?" Kendall asked.

"One hundred and one. Not bad. Not good either. I guess now I have to look for a way to distract Carlos, or he'll get bored and wake you all up."

Kendall started to sit properly, his back aching from supporting James' weight all night. He laid his sleeping boyfriend down on the couch and tucked the blanket around him carefully. Logan handed him a pillow. Kendall lifted James' head carefully, slid the pillow underneath and gently set his boyfriend back down.

"Logan?" he said.

"Yeah."

"That's never happened before."

"What hasn't?" Logan followed him to the kitchen, looking at him curiously.

"Even before this, he would never snuggle up to me like that." Even now, Kendall couldn't believe that "snuggle" was a part of his vocabulary. "He would let me put my arm around him, but he wasn't into the whole cuddling thing. I thought this would have made him more standoffish, especially considering the guy that tried to… force him… looked like me."

Logan shrugged. "But he knows it wasn't you. Everybody's different. You hear a lot of stories about people who are raped or assaulted and they can't stand being touched."

"Don't say it out loud," Kendall whispered, staring into the sink.

"What?"

"Don't say that word out loud. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think that it might have happened to James, and I don't want to think that I wasn't there to protect him. That's my job, Logan, to protect him."

"Kendall, it wasn't your fault."

"No, but I'm not completely innocent either."

There was a long pause, and Logan sat at the counter, staring at him for a moment. Kendall looked past him to the couch, where James was still sleeping peacefully, blanket curled around his shoulders. Kendall shook his head.

"He was probably looking for some security." Logan's voice startled him.

"What do you mean?" Kendall asked.

"Well, the last time anyone held him was probably when he was almost… yeah. So he's probably just trying to reassure himself that you're safe. He knows it, but that's not the same as feeling it, you know? His head is telling him that with you is the safest place to be. His heart's probably telling him that the safest place to be is alone."

"Wow. That was deep."

"Guys?"

They turned to see Carlos peering around the corner, looking vaguely upset. He came out and sat next to Logan, across from Kendall, and looked down at his hands.

"Is James alright?"

Kendall smiled at Carlos's concern for his boyfriend. "He'll be alright, Carlos. He just needs to sleep."

"But he was so sick last night."

"He's okay now. He's just tired."

"Do you think I should get him some more chocolate milk?" Carlos wondered, and Kendall wondered if that was Carlos's solution for everything – chocolate milk.

"You know what I think he'd like?" Logan asked Carlos.

"What?"

"I think he'd like it if we went out and bought him a new video game to play. Come on, Carlos. When we get back he'll be awake and you can spend as much time as you want with him."

"Okay."

"Make sure he takes those tablets, Kendall."

Kendall blinked when they left, unsure of what to do. He'd never realised before now how much his life revolved around spending his time with James, or planning what he was going to do when he was with James, or thinking about how to make James happy.

He sighed, heading off to the bathroom. The least he could do was freshen up after spending the night sleeping on the couch.

* * *

Consciousness was slow coming to James.

He knew he was warm, and that someone had tucked a blanket around him, and that his head was on a pillow. It didn't feel like his bed, though, and Kendall wasn't there.

Oh God.

He was back there. Back at the hotel. He'd dreamed the last few days, he'd never gotten home, Kendall had never taken him to the hospital. He probably had been raped, probably lots of times. He could practically feel the diseases crawling through his veins.

He could just imagine the guy coming back and running filthy hands over him, big filthy hands that had cigarette stains on them and smelled like petrol and dirt. He could feel a hard mattress and seedy sheets and hear an oily voice whisper foul words of false endearment to him. He could smell hot putrid breath in his ear, feel it stirring up wispy bits of his hair, feel one of those huge hands in the center of his back, pushing him to the mattress.

Was it real? Was what he was experiencing memories, or simply an over-active imagination? Did the man really whisper in his ear and hold him down so easily with one bearlike paw? What was it that made him so like Kendall? It had been the face, he knew, with the same hair colour and cut. But he didn't see a face in these delusions, memories, whatever they were.

He heard his own heartbeat pounding in his ears and felt it beating in his throat. James was scared, more scared than he'd ever been before in his entire seventeen years of living, and he didn't know where Kendall was. If Kendall was even here, he wouldn't have left James, would he? He wouldn't just leave him lying here on the couch?

James tried to calm himself down, tried to take deep breaths. He tried to picture Kendall's face but that of his would-be-rapist came popping back into his vision, the barest flash of blonde hair under dull halogen lights in the seedy bathrooms of a back-alley bar.

"_Kendall?_" He meant to say it quietly, but it came out as a frightened, high-pitched cry. "_Kendall?_"

There was a crash, and James realised he had never opened his eyes; he clutched the blanket to his face, trying to stave off the tears.

"James!"

It was Kendall's voice but James didn't open his eyes, afraid of seeing peeling wallpaper and brown carpet and old, battered furniture.

"James. James."

The hands that rested on his back and bicep were only a little larger than his own, and his shivered, his heartbeat beginning to slow.

"James. Open your eyes. Oh God, James, please open your eyes. It's me. It's Kendall. You're safe. You're back at the Palm Woods, baby, you're back at the Palm Woods. Open your eyes."

James cracked his eyes open. They were heavy with sleep, and he blinked when he saw Kendall's face in front of him. His eyebrows – which still took up a large space on his forehead – were creased with worry, eyes brimming with tears.

"Hey Kendall," he croaked.

"Hey Kendall?" Kendall choked out a laugh. "You just gave me a heart attack and all you can say is 'hey Kendall'? God, James, I thought you were dying, the way you sounded!"

"Sorry. I woke up and you weren't here."

Kendall continued to rub his arm and back, and James didn't know if it was his body trembling or Kendall's hands. His head felt fuzzy and his body felt weak and sick. James reflected that while there were times he'd felt worse, he'd also felt a hell of a lot better before, too.

"Sorry," he said timidly.

Kendall sighed shakily and leaned down to kiss him. James sank into it. Kendall felt warm, safe, not like the guy from the bar. He felt clean – his clothes were soft from the fabric softener Mrs. Knight used and his skin warm and soft from a recent shower. The smell of his aftershave drifted over James like a summer breeze, and James shuffled closer. He let one of his hands drift up to grip Kendall's shift at the waist, bunching the fabric between his fingers.

Kendall's lips were soft and smooth and more than that, they were tentative, not bruising. James took comfort in the fact that Kendall was still getting used to this too, that he was letting James call the shots. Kendall loved him. He knew that.

When Kendall pulled away, it was only for a moment, before he laid a lingering kiss on James' forehead. "Logan wants you to take these pills," he said, holding out two white capsules. "For the fever."

"Oh." James took the pills and swallowed them, but not before realising how badly Kendall's hands were shaking. He took one and held it in both of his.

"I'm really sorry I scared you, Kendall. I didn't mean to."

Kendall laid his forehead against James'. "I know," he whispered, but James could feel that Kendall was still distressed, still upset, and could hear it in his voice. "I know, James. I promise I won't leave you again."

"Kendall." James smiled.

Kendall kept his head bowed, and James let him collect himself. He knew it had to be hard on Kendall, too, this whole fiasco. He knew that Kendall must've been stressed out, worried, afraid of touching him.

Kendall rubbed a hand across his eyes not-so-inconspicuously and tried to smile. "Are you hungry? Logan made us breakfast."

"Yeah. Breakfast would be good."

* * *

An hour later, the door opened, and Carlos and Logan walked through, carrying five different bags. Carlos brightened visibly when he saw James was eating ravenously. Kendall realised then that James hadn't really eaten all that much in the last few days, and probably hadn't eaten at all while drugged.

"See, Carlos? I told you if we went out he'd be awake when we came back."

"James! Me and Logan bought the newest Biohazard game! You're gonna play it with us, right, right?"

"Once I finish eating," James said, smiling.

"Did he take those pills?" Logan asked Kendall.

"Yep," Kendall said. "Without a fight, too, which is weird for him, but… That's better than nothing." He shrugged. "I wouldn't have liked having to fight him to get him to do it today. In fact, all I really wanna do is ask him to talk to me."

Logan nodded, knowing Kendall didn't need questions to keep him going. Kendall could talk about James forever.

"He's acting like he's fine," Kendall said quietly. "But it can't be good for him to bottle it up. After my dad died…"

"It took you a while to talk about that. Everyone handles it in different ways, Kendall. He'll talk when he's ready to."

"I suppose."

"JAMES! I'M THE RED CONTROLLER! LOGAN, TELL HIM I'M THE RED CONTROLLER!"

"No Carlos. I'm sick. Therefore I get to be any colour controller I want."

"LOOOOGGAAAAAAANNNN!"

"Carlos! You're going to scream the house down and Bitters will give us another strike! You can handle being the black controller for one night, right? Just while James gets better?"

They heard Carlos grumbling and smiled. "That's what I thought," Logan called. He turned back to Kendall and sighed. "We're just gonna have to be careful, Kendall. So long as we're careful around him, everything should be fine."

Kendall looked at James, took in the honey-grey tone of his eyes, the long lashes, the perfect smile with perfect dimples. He took in the tan skin and the big biceps and his sandy hair, and he watched as James made a half-hearted swipe for Carlos's helmet. He was almost overcome with how glad he was that James was alright, that something worse hadn't happened to him. The gratitude almost sent him to his knees and would have if he hadn't been leaning so heavily against the counter.

He was so glad James was alright it was a physical feeling. He could feel every inch of his body aching with it, every part of him thanking every higher power for protecting James when he couldn't. It was miracles like this that made him think that maybe there was, in fact, a God, and that that God was the one that kept everyone breathing through the darkness of the night until the sun came up.

James looked at Kendall then and smiled with what seemed like a thousand square, white teeth and perfect pink lips. Kendall smiled back, but when he turned away, he rubbed his face and sighed wearily.

"I hope you're right, Logan."

* * *

**A/N and that's a wrap! The first chapter was about a thousand words, the second chapter was about 2000 words and now this chapter is about 3000! Maybe the next chapter will be about 4000 ^^ haha. Thanks for reading and don't forget, reviews are love!**


	4. When Panic Sets In

**A/N I LOVE YOU GUYS FOREVER! No joke, every time I get a review, or a favourite story, or a story alert, or a favourite AUTHOR, I swear I jizz myself with happiness. **

**So I got a lot of questions about why James was getting sick in the last chapter, and it was just because of stress and fear. Just thought id clear that up a little :)**

**Ok, so, I have something I really need you guys to answer! For the next chapter (other than Logan confronting James) what do you guys want?**

**1 Some more James angst, with a little Kendall angst thrown in?**

**2 Kendall throwing James a belated anniversary celebration?**

**3 James identifying the man who attempted to rape him?**

**Let me know in your reviews :)**

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When the door shut behind James in the recording booth, and he found himself crammed in there with his two best friends and his boyfriend, James found himself washed away in a sea of panic. He didn't know where it had come from or why, but it was there. His breathing became ragged as the walls shrunk in on him and he felt his airways constricting to match.

"James? James!"

Someone caught him as he tumbled to his knees, and he looked up at Kendall's face. Kendall's green eyes. He shrank back and put his head in his knees, trembling uncontrollably.

"_I'll make it good, promise."_

"_I don't want this."_

"_Yes you do, you worthless, trashy Hollywood whore. You do want this."_

"_No. I've got a boyfriend… let me go!"_

"_Oh? You've got a boyfriend? Spoiled goods are no fun, baby. I'm not sure I even want you anymore. Everyone in this town is a walking talking piece of trash – especially you pretty boys."_

"Logan, what's happening to him?"

"He's having a panic attack, Kendall, probably a flashback."

"Dogs! What's wrong with James!"

"He's having a panic attack, Gustavo!"

"Well fix it!"

"Would you like fries with that?"

"Boys, you calm James down, it doesn't matter what you have to do."

"Get him upright."

"Logan, we can't move him like this, he'll freak out!"

"Kendall, it's only gonna get worse if we leave him in here, okay? We need to get him into a bigger space, get him laid out flat so he can breathe or it's just gonna get worse."

"_I can't be worse than your boyfriend. I've seen him. Pathetic, scrawny little runt he is, too. I could protect you, make you feel safe. You wouldn't have to feel so down if you had me. You wouldn't have to drown your sorrows."_

"_Fuck you, asshole!" _

_James' fist, crashing into a strong jaw. Deadly eyes raised to meet his, knuckles cracked and a hand grabbed his hip._

"_That was a mistake."_

"James, come on, baby, just breathe. With me, okay, in and out. You're safe. You're not in there anymore, you're outside, you're gonna be fine. Oh God, James, just breathe with me."

It was Kendall's voice, and James sucked in a breath shakily, trying to match his boyfriend's breathing. Kendall was holding his hand, pressing it to his chest. James could feel the rise and fall of his boyfriend's chest and tried to match his own to it.

"That's it. That's it."

"Good job, James," Logan's voice said.

James opened his eyes. His friends were leaning over him, staring down at him. He rolled his head to the side and saw the white leather chairs that were in the lobby of Rocque Records. Blearily, he looked back up, saw Kendall.

"Hi guys," he said.

Carlos smiled brightly, while Logan just let out a sigh of relief. Kendall held his hand tighter. James began to sat up.

"Did I…?"

"You freaked out," Carlos said, wide-eyed. "As soon as we closed the door to the recording booth. You said the room was too small."

James didn't remember speaking. Carlos placed his helmet on James' head and looked proud that he'd even gotten close enough to his hair to achieve this. James smiled at him, for once not irritated at what could be viewed as an assault on his hair.

"Um," Logan said. "Me and Carlos are gonna go let Gustavo and Kelly know you're okay, fill them in on what happened."

They left.

Kendall stood, pulling James up with him, whose knees shook threateningly. "Where are we going?" James asked as Kendall dragged him from the lobby.

"Home."

"Oh."

Kendall didn't say anything as he drove them back there, having gotten his learner's permit about two months ago. He apparently didn't care that there was no adult in the car with him, and he still didn't speak as they tramped up the stairs and into 2J.

"Kendall?"

Kendall turned to face him, looking at him pleadingly. "Talk to me, James," he begged. "Please. Just… tell me what you're feeling so I know how to help. It's killing me, not knowing what I should and shouldn't do."

"Um. Okay." James sat down. "I'm feeling… I don't really know. Confused? Lost, maybe?" He shook his head, not realising it was true until he said it. "Dirty," he mumbled. Kendall sat down next to him, put an arm around him.

"Anything else?"

James looked up at him, tears brimming in his honey-grey eyes. "I'm scared."

Kendall hugged him, let James sprawl out on top of him on their bright orange couch. "I know. I'm scared too, James. That we'll never catch the guy who did it. That if we do it won't matter and he'll get off free. I'm scared it's somebody I know, somebody you know."

"Logan told me once that over ninety percent of rape victims knew their attacker."

Kendall sat up, putting his arms behind his head and swallowing. "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"You already knew?"

"No! Everyone keeps throwing that word around, that disgusting word, like it's nothing, and – and you weren't, James – not… you weren't… it was only fingers, and Logan says you're lucky it was GHB and not any other drug, and he said you're lucky to be alive because people can OD on that stuff and he said that it could've been anybody and that you might be psychologically scarred-"

"Kendall, what word?" James asked, wide-eyed at his boyfriend's rant. He was so used to seeing him calm and collected that it was strange to see Kendall falling apart in front of him.

"Rape! Why does everyone keep saying it!"

"Oh, Kendall." _You spent so much time looking out for me you completely ignored how you were feeling. Oh, Kendall. Why do you have to go and be so goddamn selfless all the time? I never realised he wanted to be my first as much as I wanted him to be._

James scooted closer, wrapped his arms around his shaking boyfriend and pulled him close. Kendall kissed him, gently, running a hand through James' hair.

"I couldn't stand losing you," he told James shakily. "Not ever. I think I'd die without you, now. I need you to breathe."

James' eyes burned, and he closed them.

He didn't know if things would ever go back to before. Of course, "back to before" meant going back to Carlos and Logan being standoffish and weird around him and Kendall, and he didn't want that. He wasn't sure when exactly the problems had started – sometime after their first concert, he thought, because really, James had given up on them as easily as they had given up on him.

It wasn't anything too bad at first. Sure, he and Logan didn't spend as much time together, but he just attributed that to spending a lot of his time with Kendall, trying to work out their relationship and everything that came with it – new feelings, new desires and, unfortunately, new rules. He only knew that normally, he and Logan studied together, and Logan helped him with his math (which had never been good) and one day, James had put his books down, and Logan had got up and left.

James wasn't stupid and hadn't needed the rejection a second time around. He stopped trying to study with Logan straight away, and tried to seek help from Kendall. They soon found that new boyfriends didn't make good study partners.

He wasn't sure why Logan was behaving the way he was now – nice to him. He didn't know why Logan had made him a cup of tea, when his lie about allergies was obviously just that – a lie. He wasn't entirely sure why Logan had held him, because Logan had been going out of his way to avoid James lately, doing whatever he could to put some distance between them. He sat on the opposite side of the couch, opposite side of the table, left a room when James entered and wouldn't even stand next to him in the recording booth.

And Carlos – well, Carlos had thought that James had done something to offend Logan, and that put a strain on their relationship. James hated seeing Carlos frown, when it obviously wasn't an expression that was meant to be on his younger friend's face.

James wondered if they were homophobic and trying to put a silent but crushing pressure on him and Kendall to break up, but Kendall never came under fire from either of them, and so James kept it to himself. Until now. Now, it was confusing the hell out of him, having Logan being nice and making him breakfast and Carlos even lending him his helmet. He didn't understand and that frightened him almost worse than the nightmares or the panic attacks did, because no matter what, he'd always understood his friends before this.

Before him and Kendall.

* * *

"James?"

James jumped when there was a knock on the bathroom door, and he turned to open it. It was Logan, standing there in his pyjamas.

"You've been in there a long time."

"Yeah. Sorry." James was too tired to think of an excuse, and simply rubbed his face with both hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked at Logan. His shorter friend was staring up at him in concern.

"Are you okay?"

James stared back at him. He shrugged off Logan's hand and moved towards the counter.

"James?"

"Logan, why are you being so nice to me?" James asked.

Logan laughed, trying for confused and easygoing, and falling short by a few hundred miles, landing on uneasy and nervous. He rubbed the back of his head. "What do you mean? You're my friend, James," he said.

"Before all this stuff happened you couldn't stand to be around me," James said. "You hated being in the same room as me, much less sitting next to me. You wouldn't tutor me in math, wouldn't help me study for anything, wouldn't even talk to me. So why are you suddenly being so nice to me? Do you think I need protecting or something, because I almost got raped?"

Logan flinched at the word "raped". He saw where Kendall was coming from, now – the word was harsh and scraped against his tongue, filling his mouth with a bitter, sour taste. He realised now why Kendall hated hearing it – it reminded them that James had almost been lost to them.

"I wasn't avoiding you."

"You're lying," James said simply. "You were avoiding me. And so was Carlos. I just wanna know why, Logan."

"I'm telling you, James. You were imagining it. I haven't been avoiding you. You and Kendall have been so busy with each other-"

"Logan!"

Logan turned to face James, who was staring at him, obviously hurt. "What?" he asked.

"Stop lying to me. Please."

Logan sighed out, a deep sigh, and sat down at the counter. James stared at him, evidently waiting for an answer. When Logan didn't give one, he shifted impatiently.

"Are you just homophobic or something? Do you think I turned Kendall gay? Because he's the one that came onto me, Logan, not the other way around."

"No!" Logan looked up. "No, James, no. I don't care that you're gay, either of you, and I know. I was there. Besides, it's statistically proven that ten percent of America's population is gay. It's genetic, not a lifestyle choice, and that's been proven too, because it actually turns out that a gay male's brain has areas active normally only active in straight women, characterized by a heightened hormone output of certain sex hormones that-"

"Logan, my brain won't be doing any hormonising or brain-area-activating because you're killing it! Talk English!"

Logan sighed. "I don't have a problem with you being gay, James. I promise you, I really don't. I just… I don't like where this is headed."

"What? What do you mean?"

Logan rubbed his face. "I mean, you got… tired of your other boyfriends, and…"

"Tired of them?" James demanded. "I wasn't tired of them! They were beating me up and I left them before they could do any permanent damage! Who told you I was just getting 'tired of them?' Let me guess, someone's been going around saying I'm a slut, right?"

"James, James, no. That came out wrong, I'm sorry. You just… you always laughed them off, you know, like they were nothing."

"I didn't know what else to do!" James' voice cracked. "You were talking to me but wouldn't be near me and Carlos would be near me but not talk to me and how am I supposed to tell Kendall how I feel about my ex boyfriends, I don't want to cause any trouble between us! If I'd acted strange you'd all have assumed the worst but looks like you did anyway!"

"What do you mean, you couldn't tell us? We're your friends!"

"Well, you haven't been acting like it."

"Ever since you got back from ditching yours and Kendall's anniversary me and Carlos have done nothing but be there for you. We made you breakfast and sat with you while you were getting sick and got you through a panic attack!"

"And I'm grateful for that, but if you'd just been there for me in the first place, me and Kendall might not have had problems with our anniversary! I might never have gone out, and I wouldn't have nearly been raped, and I wouldn't have this gaping hole in my memory, and I wouldn't see some pedophile's face every time I look at Kendall!"

"This isn't our fault! You should have just stayed home and had a normal anniversary!"

"I never said it was your fault, so when did it become mine?"

"You were the one who went to that bar!"

"What, you think I asked him to drug me and make me sick and try to rape me!"

"Being there was invitation enough!"

James stared at Logan, breathing heavily from their fight, and as he turned, Logan saw his eyes glitter. His heart flopped with terror in his chest, and he reached out to grab James' wrist, but was shaken off.

"Don't touch me, Logan."

It hurt being shaken off. But it was worse knowing that he deserved it.

* * *

James collapsed in a little, out of the way alcove off the hallway, trying not to actually sob. He didn't bother wiping any tears away, because he knew more would come. He was angry, mostly at Logan but also at himself; he was tired of being weak. He'd been back almost a fortnight now and Kendall had been nothing but kind and reassuring and James just felt pathetic and needy. He woke up and wouldn't open his eyes until he heard Kendall's voice, he freaked out going in enclosed spaces, he cried almost every chance he got – the shower, the bathroom, at night when everyone was asleep, whenever 2J was empty.

And it made him feel worthless. Logan was probably right. He was probably just asking to be raped, a crying pretty-boy drowning his sorrows in a seedy bar where he clearly didn't belong. It was definitely his fault. He would have preferred Logan telling him he had a problem with his sexuality than have him say James was asking for it. And although Logan hadn't said those exact words, he knew that that was the hidden meaning behind them.

He just wanted to stop hurting.

"James?"

Carlos.

"James, are you okay?"

"No. I just need to be alone, Carlos."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want me to get Kendall?"

"I don't want him to see me like this." James buried his head in his knees, the corner of the room squeezing his shoulder blades uncomfortably, the floor cold beneath him, carpet covered in sand from people's shoes. It felt like the seedy hotel room.

Carlos paused, and then said, "Okay. You don't want me to stay?"

"No."

"I'll um… I'll make you some dinosaur chicken! And by the time you get back, it'll be ready, okay?" James could hear the excitement in his friend's voice, and knew that the idea of being able to help was cheering Carlos up, so he didn't bother to say that he wasn't hungry.

"Okay."

James sat there a while longer, until he heard footsteps padding lightly towards him. They were lighter than Logan, Carlos or Kendall's, and he looked up.

Jo was looking down on him, a concerned look on her face. She took another hesitant step forward, watching for his reaction. She was wearing purple flip flops, mini shorts, and a tank top, and carrying a towel – probably on the way to the pool, judging by her dry hair.

"James?"

"Hey, Jo." His voice was croaky from all the crying, and he tried to swallow the lump that arose in it. Every time someone talked to him, the lump got worse, and he just wanted it to go away. He watched her as she looked around for a moment, evidently at a loss to help him, maybe searching for one of his friends.

"How long have you…?"

"I don't know."

Jo just stared at him, and he lowered his eyes, finally unable to maintain eye contact with her. "is there something you need?" he asked, voice cracking again.

"Well," she said, "part of the rulebook says that a girl never leaves her friends crying."

James looked up at her, and she offered him a smile. He moved over to lean flat against the wall, and she sat down beside him, dropping her pool bag and towel next to her. She looked at him again, and he realised he could smell her perfume – a light, airy, flowery scent. Nothing like Kendall's smooth, musky scent, but comforting. He wondered if it was because she was a girl.

"So," she said.

"So," James responded.

"Are you heartbroken?"

"What? No."

"I'd have to kill Kendall if he did that," she said, smiling at him.

He smiled back, tentatively, liking that they were friends and could just talk like this without all the subliminal messages he'd been getting from Logan and Carlos and even Kendall. He knew they were just watching out for him, but it was beginning to annoy him that they analysed everything he said carefully, like an explosives expert would and armed bomb.

"So if you're not heartbroken, then why didn't you go to Kendall?"

"I can't. Not about this. I'd just cause more trouble than I already have."

She blinked at him, and he remembered she didn't know. "Um," he said. "Have you… ever had a guy come onto you, and he was really forceful?"

"A few times," she said, nodding. "I was usually with friends, though, so… it wasn't… oh, James, what happened?"

It all came out in a rush – the whole, unedited story, about the anniversary and Carlos and Logan not talking to him and the guy at the bar and being drugged and waking up alone and the rape kit, and then what followed after, catching a cab back to 2J and being so afraid that Kendall would leave him, and all the little things he'd never told Kendall or the others, about being afraid to close his eyes and not being able to look at Gustavo because the man was bigger than him and that frightened him, and his fight with Logan and Carlos coming along and his panic attack earlier that day. He didn't stop until it was all out because he knew that if he did, he would never start again, and that he would never, ever be able to get the help he really needed.

"Oh. Oh, wow, James. Kendall knows?"

"He was really good about it."

"And Logan and Carlos had a problem with you?"

"Yeah. Before, not after, and I asked Logan today why that was, but he wouldn't answer me, and then he said that being at the bar was an invitation to rapists, and I left and Carlos started talking about dinosaur shaped chicken and I don't know what I'm going to do because I can't tell Kendall, he'll get mad with Logan and then Logan will be even madder at me for telling and then Carlos will take Logan's side because that's what happened last time and Big Time Rush will break up and-"

"James, take a breath."

He stopped and breathed in deeply, trying to calm down.

Jo smiled at him, pulling at a strand of her blonde hair. "How about I take you back to your apartment and you go in and just talk to them about it? Tell them how you're feeling. You told me, you can tell them."

"They'll just think I'm weak."

"James, it's not weak to be afraid. Come on."

Jo stood and held out her hand. James grabbed it and she pulled him up, gathering her pool things with a slight huffing noise. She smiled at him and they began to walk back to 2J. James felt his nerves increase with every step he took, and he wanted to turn around and go back, wait in that little corner until someone (Kendall) came and got him and told him everything was fine, and that nobody (Logan) was mad at him, for anything, that it wasn't his fault, that he hadn't asked to be raped. His head was a whirl of confusion and hurt and he wondered why Kendall hadn't come to find him yet.

He stopped just short of the door, looking fearfully at Jo.

"Go on. It'll be fine," she said.

James took a deep breath and opened the door.

* * *

"Oh God, Logan, where is he? He was here at nine when I left and now he's gone and it's four. Where is he?"

"I saw him in the hallway," Carlos peeped. He looked frightened, nervous. "He said he'd be right here. He was crying."

"He was crying? Logan, what happened?" Kendall asked, turning to him. "Why was he crying? Why didn't you follow him when he ran out?" Logan felt awful; Kendall was clearly distressed, pacing up and down and waiting for James to get back.

"He didn't say anything to me," Carlos said. "Only that he wanted to be alone, and that he didn't want me to get you, and that he didn't want you to see him crying. I told him I'd make dinosaur chicken but that was two hours ago. Kendall, what's wrong with him?"

Logan wouldn't ever forget the way Kendall looked at him then; like he'd figured something out, like he'd suddenly realised that Logan was the cause of all this, and that had he just kept his cool everything would have been fine.

The door opened.

"James," Kendall said, hurrying towards him and hugging him. Logan could see that James' eyes were puffy and red and that his face was tracked with tears. His jeans were crumpled at the thighs, like he'd been sitting a really long time.

"Hi, James," Carlos said, uncertainty painting his voice. "I made you that dinosaur chicken, but it's probably cold now."

"It doesn't matter." James smiled. "I'm starving. Thanks, Carlos."

"What's wrong?" Kendall asked. "Carlos said you didn't want me to see you like this…"

"I didn't. Sorry, Kendall. I'm just sick of being so weak, and I… I guess I got tired of everyone looking at me like I'm going to break in half. I really just wanna forget it ever happened."

Kendall leaned up and kissed him. Logan stood up. He noticed that Kendall stood in front of James a little, like he was ready to fight him if he had to. Kendall had definitely figured something out, even if it wasn't the whole story.

"James," Logan said softly, "I'm sorry. About everything. I'm sorry I ignored you before all this, I'm sorry I lied about it and I'm sorry I told you you were asking for it. I know you didn't. You love Kendall and that's all there is to it."

James smiled, his eyes watery. "Thanks, Logan."

"You told him he was asking for it?" Kendall spat. "Why the fuck would you do something like that?"

"We had a fight, Kendall, that's all. Now it's over," James said, still looking decidedly wet-eyed and a bit miserable. "He didn't mean it."

Kendall gave Logan an appraising look before kissing James and walking into the kitchen. Logan sighed and rubbed his face in his hands; he then looked up at James.

"We need to talk."

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**A/N UH OH! Cliffie lol, sorry! the next chapter is partly written up though, so that's okay :) I hope this chapter gives a bit of background on Logan's weirdness, the next one will give a lot of background. Also, I was sick of reading fics that made Jo a total bitch. I was just aiming for something different. Thanks for reading, reviews are love and flames make lovely campfires!**


	5. The Truth and All His Demons

**A/N thanks so much for all your reviews! :D so everyone who reviewed said they wanted more James/Kendall angst. So I figure this has been highly James centric anyway, so this chapter (after the first part) will mostly be about Kendall. Cheers!**

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**

"So what do you want to talk about?"

Logan was honestly surprised James wasn't ignoring him or more scared of this confrontation; then, James had always been good at hiding things when he didn't want people to see it, and now was no exception. The only one that had ever been able to break through that brick façade had been Kendall, and Logan both hated and loved him for it; he hated that it was Kendall and not him, and he was grateful that someone could, because otherwise who knew what would have happened to James in the long run, with all those abusive once-off boyfriends who used the opportunity to slander James in front of his friends and family? James would have been a wreck. An emotional, lonely wreck.

"Just stuff." Logan turned to face James; James avoided his eyes, but that was just something James did out of habit, rather than look at people. Logan wasn't sure why but he found it endearing; James was tall enough and strong enough to stare almost anyone down, and yet didn't have the confidence to do it. Logan smiled a bit.

"I thought I should tell you. In fact, I should have told you two months ago, rather than avoiding you and alienating you."

"Your big words make no sense to me," James said. Logan was relieved that James had come through this relatively unscathed; he was still able to joke around and he hadn't developed any aversions to touch, which could be seen as a blessing. It was like a part of James knew he was safe and that his fellow band mates would protect him.

"It means that I pushed you away and made you feel like you were weird," Logan explained patiently. "But I just… I need to tell you, man. Or it'll get worse."

James sat down and looked up at him, at a point just over his shoulder. Logan sighed for a moment, knowing that Kendall and Carlos had gone out for a while, knowing that they were here alone. Somehow, that didn't make it any easier.

"I hate Kendall Knight," Logan said softly, and James jerked like he'd had a full-body slap delivered. He stared straight at Logan now, honey grey eyes wide in disbelief.

"You-"

"I hate Kendall Knight because he's got you and he only had to work at it for a week before he wooed you and I worked at it for years and I'm still not even halfway there. Sorry, James."

And was it sick to take pleasure in the fact that for once, all of James' attention was focused right on him, and not half on him and half on Kendall Knight, Kendall Knight who had silky blonde hair and green eyes and a killer smile and dimples and a dry sense of humor?

"You… me?"

"Yeah."

"For years?" James was stunned and Logan could tell by the guilty look in his eyes. This was one kind of attention James wasn't enjoying; he didn't like thinking he was hurting one of his best friends, one of his best-friends-who-wanted-to-be-more. He shivered abruptly.

"But Logan… why didn't you say anything?"

"I was going to but it was never the right time." Logan tried to smile. "You know me. I'm always waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect situation to arise. But it never came, and Kendall wasn't gonna wait."

"Did he know?"

"No. I don't think so." Because as much as Logan hated Kendall for getting to James first, he knew that if Kendall had known, he wouldn't have started flirting with James in the first place, wouldn't have even gone there. In fact, he might have helped Logan to win James over. And as much as Logan would love for James to be available for the taking again, he knew it would destroy both his friends if Kendall and James were to break up, and for that reason, he was happy to pretend he didn't mind seeing them snuggle on the couch.

Happy to let James walk out of the apartment that day. Because it didn't matter what James was doing, he was doing it perfectly in Logan's eyes – except loving Kendall. And James looked so heartbroken at the prospect of Kendall knowing and going ahead with this anyway that Logan couldn't bear to have him looking like that anymore, couldn't bear to have him looking hurt lost afraid guilty scared.

"He didn't know, James."

"Yeah. Yeah. Okay."

"And listen to me. This doesn't change anything, alright."

"That's bullshit. This changes everything."

"No it doesn't. I don't want you to break up with Kendall. I don't want you to keep this inside either. Tell him how I feel if it makes you feel better, but promise you won't do something stupid on my behalf. That'll make this worse because then I'll just have the guilt to sprinkle on top of it all. So please, James, just go on loving him. You're doing it perfectly."

James wiped his eyes and sniffed, and Logan sat beside him. James turned into the hug he offered, and Logan swore to himself that he wouldn't cry, that he wouldn't hurt James that way, because he'd already done enough. He simply enjoyed being in the younger boy's arms for a while, enjoyed that James felt he could hug Logan without getting molested by him.

"I was so scared," Logan said, barely aware he was speaking out loud. "When you didn't home come. Kendall was freaking out and Carlos was angry with you but we were all worried, and even though I pretended I was mad, I wasn't. I just kept looking at the door, convincing myself you'd walk through when I was least expecting it. James, I'm so sorry. Carlos and I… we didn't do what we were supposed to. We were supposed to support you and Kendall and we didn't. And now this."

"Is that why you avoided me?"

"Because I like you?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, that's why. I don't think I'm in love with you yet, precisely, and I don't wanna let it get to that point. No offence, James, but I'd really like to get over you."

"No offence taken." James let out a watery giggle.

"Okay. So we're friends."

"Yeah. Always and forever, Logan."

But Logan would never forget that James said those words to Kendall every night before they fell asleep curled around each other, with a loving caress in his voice, with all that admiration and love, and Logan wondered if Kendall even knew what he had, if he knew just how special James was, really. He wondered if Kendall was sometimes so overwhelmed with love that he choked on it, or whether sometimes he just wanted to pound anybody who hurt James.

Logan wondered if Kendall felt the way he did about James – like James was a part of his life that would leave a gaping wound if removed.

* * *

Kendall was hating what he was seeing in the mirror right now. Not for any reason other than James said his attacker looked like Kendall. He didn't want James to be scared of him and while there was nothing pointing towards that (yet, Kendall reminded himself) Kendall didn't even want it to be a possibility.

"Kendall?"

"Hey, Carlos."

Carlos looked at Kendall's reflection in the mirror. "Uh… you've been staring at yourself for an awful long time, Kendall."

"Yeah, sorry." Kendall shook himself and stood properly. "I'm just worried about James."

Carlos chewed his lip. "James will be okay, Kendall. James is always okay."

"I'm worried that he'll start to be afraid of me," Kendall said. "Because his attacker looks like me, apparently."

"Well uh… I don't think he will be. I mean, Kendall, you have really… unique… eyebrows. I don't think I know anybody else with eyebrows like yours. I'm sure James will remember that!" And Carlos was smiling so brightly at him, Kendall honestly didn't have a clue what to say.

"I'm not sure if I should take offence at that comment about my eyebrows or not," he said slowly.

"Being unique is good! Everyone's different. Besides, James loves all of you, not just your eyebrows."

_That's probably a good thing_, Kendall thought dryly. He thought that he would be fine now that Carlos had interrupted his brooding, but as soon as his shorter friend left, Kendall reverted back to just that – brooding.

Someone had touched James. Someone had touched James and James hadn't given his consent. Someone had spiked James' drink, waited till he fell sick in the bathroom, taken him by the elbow and led him away, led him away to a dirty hotel and attempted to have his way with him.

Kendall wouldn't ever forget how lucky he was that something had stopped James' would-be-rapist before he could do any real damage.

He also wouldn't forget how James had yelled when Kendall had attempted to trap him and force him to talk by putting an arm on either side of the wall James was standing again. He wouldn't forget how James had his arms wrapped around himself, how he turned his head away, how his legs bowed and brought him down to Kendall's height.

But James, miraculously, still allowed Kendall to touch him. Not intimately – they'd never gotten around to that before this – but he let Kendall hold him, kiss him whenever he wanted, and Kendall supposed that was the result of some kind of divine intervention; after James had come home, he had spent a lot of time researching rape and attempted rape and had discovered that many victims never recovered completely.

And that brought him to another dilemma – how did he know James was fine? Inside, James might be as broken and fragile as he was the night he came back, and just not telling anybody about it. Just because James seemed alright on the outside, just because the bruises had almost completely faded from his hips and back, didn't mean that the scars on the inside had healed even the tiniest bit. And Kendall was too afraid to ask him, too afraid that he might somehow make it worse than what it was, too afraid that that would be James' breaking point and he would have a mental meltdown and too afraid that that would cause James to shrink back.

James, if he was being honest with himself, was as much a comfort to Kendall as Kendall was to James, because, if he was still being honest with himself, he was terrified.

He was terrified that when they finally got intimate, James would freak out and start crying, that James wouldn't ever be able to do stuff like that, and Kendall was terrified it would make he, himself, Kendall, angry. Everyone seemed to assume that he was an iron man, smart and good and made of steel but he wasn't, he was only sixteen and he was too young for any of this to be happening to him!

"Hey, Kendall."

He jumped and turned to see James standing behind him. James gave him a little smile and he looked like he'd been crying, to Kendall's horror.

"James, what's wrong?"

James looked at him. "I could ask you the same thing," he challenged. "Have you been crying?"

Kendall touched his cheeks and found them wet. He hadn't even noticed he was crying and he hurriedly wiped the tears away. He needed to be strong for James, to be there for him, not to cry over something that couldn't be changed anymore.

"Kendall, it's okay to cry," James said, stunned. "You were the one who told me that in the first place, remember?"

"Not for me it's not."

"Why not? This has to be hurting you as much… as much as it's hurting me."

Kendall thought that the dam broke then; the tears were suddenly pushing out of his eyes at an alarming rate, and James moved towards him, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. Kendall wrapped one arm around James' waist and the other around his shoulders, like he could somehow anchor James to the world and himself, like if he did this James wouldn't leave him, not ever, and nobody would be able to take him away.

"It feels good to cry, right?" James' voice was soft and husky and a little watery in his ear, and Kendall admitted to himself that it did feel good, like he was releasing a pressure he should have gotten rid of long ago. He was glad James was okay, angry at the man that had done this, upset because he hadn't stopped it and hurt because damnit, Logan and Carlos were supposed to take care of James as well and Logan had upset him and Carlos had left him crying in a hallway when he should have dragged him back.

Kendall felt James' hand on the back of his head, and rather than sink closer, he pulled away, trying to hide the tears. There was a stain on James' shirt that in any other situation would have earned him a "KENDALL! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!" but in this case didn't. James pulled a pack of tissues from his pocket and passed them to Kendall.

"Jo gave these to me. I've been crying a lot lately and they really come in useful."

Kendall wiped his eyes. "Jo?"

James nodded, sitting on the couch. Kendall put an arm around his shoulders, and James knew that he wanted a distraction. "When I was sitting in the hallway crying the other day – after my fight with Logan – Jo came and sat with me for a really long time. She was the one who convinced me to come back, otherwise I might've stayed there all night. And, well, she gave me these." James held up the little packet of tissues.

"So," Kendall said, pressing a kiss to James' cheek, "what did Logan want to talk to you about, anyway?"

James shifted and looked at him. Kendall didn't like the expression in those eyes, and he smiled awkwardly, aiming for naïve, missing by a long shot and falling on suspicious instead. _As long as he doesn't tell me Logan kissed him, I'll be fine._

"I uh… don't freak out, okay?"

_I'm already freaking out._ "Sure, of course not."

"Logan… likes me."

"Of course he does." Kendall brushed it off but the tension was building every second. "You guys are best friends, like brothers."

"Not so brotherly. Kendall… Logan likes me. Like that."

Kendall thought that maybe his world would implode. This was it; James would realise that Logan was much better suited to looking after him and all his needs, and realise just how unsuited Kendall was, and he would leave. This was the part where James let him go gently, and ran off into the sunset with Logan, and left him.

Logan.

Stupid, smart, overachiever Logan.

And he was in love with James. His James, who he'd held through all the nightmares and whose cheeks he'd kissed clean of tears and who had almost been taken by another already, and wasn't that enough? Wasn't it enough that someone tried to drug James (and succeeded) and tried to rape him, tried to hurt him, tried to take him away from Kendall?

Logan?

In love with James?

No, he thought. No. If Logan fell in love with James that would create all sorts of problems. James couldn't leave Kendall – he was so much a part of Kendall's life now that to lose him might kill Kendall, leave him a hollow shell of himself.

"Logan loves you?"

"No, no, he just… has a crush on me. He told me he doesn't love me yet. I just… I thought I should tell you, in case there's weirdness, and I'm not going to leave you, because you've done so much for me and I don't think I'll ever be able to repay that."

"You don't have to, James. It's just what people do for one another."

James pulled Kendall's hand down and rested it on his hip, close to his belt. Kendall smoothed his thumb over the skin there and wondered why James was doing this, letting him touch when he had tears glittering in his eyes and terror pasted over his beautiful face. Kendall gripped James' hip with his other four fingers and continued to stroke the smooth expanse of tan skin that covered the bone of his hip.

"Why?"

"I need you to touch me. I want to forget him. I want to forget that he was ever there."

"James, I… if you're not ready…"

"If I wait I never will be! Please, Kendall. I'll tell you when to stop. I just… I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to wake up every morning and think I can still feel his disgusting hands on me. I want to wake up and know that you've been touching me."

Kendall nodded.

"Come on then."

* * *

"Is this okay?"

James nodded, but he was clearly scared. He lay beneath Kendall on his bed, fully clothed, shoes off and resting by the bedside table. Kendall was astounded that this beautiful man was his; all that sandy-brown hair haloed out on the pillow behind him, the hand entangled with his, the way James had twisted his hips slightly to the right, furthest away from Kendall, showing a strip of tan skin beneath his shirt. Kendall couldn't believe James would even think about letting him touch all this. He was bound to mess it up.

Kendall sat beside him on the bed, too scared to move any closer, because James already looked like he might be ready to run at any moment. He stared down at him and smiled a little; James tried to smile back at him. He took Kendall's hand in his own and placed it in the same spot as before, only now he was shaking. James took a deep breath and looked away, squeezing his eyes shut.

"James, you don't have to do this."

"Yes I do."

Kendall looked at the end of the bed, noticed that James had drawn his legs a bit closer, that his toes, sheathed in plain white socks, were curled. James was scared, there was no doubt about it.

"What if," Kendall said, "I lie next to you. That way I won't seem taller. You should be right then."

"Yeah. Okay."

Kendall swung his legs onto the bed and lay back, pushing James over a little bit so he had some pillow. James looked back at him and seemed to relax slightly; he moved Kendall's hand up on his hip so that Kendall's fingers were beneath his shirt, and kept his own hand placed over Kendall's.

"That's good," he said, and shut his eyes again.

Kendall lay there for a while, then, on impulse, leaned over and kissed James softly, lacing their fingers together. To his surprise, James nestled closer to him, until their cheeks were touching and Kendall could feel James' hair mingling with his own. He could smell the expensive shampoo from here, close up, as strong as it usually was in the morning.

James' eyes watered unexpectedly, and he shut them, whispering, "I love you."

Kendall gave him an Eskimo kiss, then wrapped an arm around his waist, their hands still clenched together on James' hip. He felt James press his toes into Kendall's shins, and they were cold, even through the socks. He reached down and rubbed James' thigh without thinking, and that leg moved closer to him.

"I love you too."

* * *

Carlos and Logan opened the door with every intention of asking the two taller members of Big Time Rush if they wanted to go down to the pool, and were met with the sight of the two boys curled up on the same bed. James was closest to the wall but facing them, eyes closed, sleeping and not making a sound.

Kendall was facing James and he jerked when they came in; the kind of half-awake, startled, sleepy jerk a person gets when they're just drifting into sleep and a noise startles them into wakefulness. Logan felt a fist crushing around his heart when he saw one of Kendall's hands beneath James' shirt, the thumb appearing in a rhythmic stroking motion, and Kendall's other hand smoothing up and down the side of James' thigh. Their cheeks were touching.

"Um," Carlos said.

Kendall rolled his head towards them but didn't cease either motion, and he opened his eyes, blinking and taking them in. He shut them almost instantly, and Logan frowned; Kendall must have been as tired as James, or more so.

"Carlos, why don't you go make everybody hot chocolate?" Logan asked.

"Sure." Carlos left.

Logan pulled a blanket off Kendall's bed, seeing they were curled up on James', and brought it over. He spread it over Kendall and James carefully, partly because they both looked cold and partly so he didn't have to see Kendall putting his hands all over someone he'd wanted for years. Kendall opened his eyes.

"Thanks."

They sat like that for a while; James snuggled closer to Kendall, looking for the warmth his boyfriend – Logan choked on the word – was offering him. Kendall stroked James' cheek. He glanced at Logan, then back at James.

"I'm not giving him up, Logan."

"He told you." It was a statement, not a question.

Kendall nodded, kissing James' cheek and nose and eyelids. "Yeah. He just said that you like him like that, that you don't love him yet and you don't want to."

"I don't, Kendall. I don't want to mess things up between you two. And from what I can see, you're really helping him get over this, you're really helping to heal the psychological scars that that other man left on him."

"I'm too tired to understand your doctor talk," Kendall mumbled. "And I'm trying. It was his idea to do this. He said he… Logan, I won't tell you if it's gonna hurt you."

"I need to hear it."

"He said he wants me to touch him, to remind him that he's safe, to remind him that I'm me and not his attacker. He was so scared to have me touching him I thought he was gonna freak out and cry, but he didn't. Once I was down at his level he was fine."

"His attacker was bigger than him, a lot bigger. That probably explains a lot."

"Did you see the bruises?"

"He had bruises?" Logan felt like he'd been punched in the gut; his vision swam with tears, and Kendall looked away.

"Big handprint bruises around his hips and back. The guy must have been huge, his hands fit all the way around. I want to know why he didn't carry through with it. It would have been easy for him but he didn't. It scares me."

"Why?"

"He might come back for him."

"The police are on it."

James stirred and lifted one thigh over Kendall's hips and an arm around his neck, pulling himself closer and tucking his head under Kendall's chin. It would have been funny if it hadn't hurt Logan so much; Kendall seemed to realise.

Logan stood and tucked the blanket tighter around them both, seeing that Kendall was still shivering a little. His hand ghosted over James' hair for a moment, but he didn't let it linger too long, not wanting to arouse Kendall's suspicions or ire. He tucked James' feet under the blanket too and straightened.

"We can talk about this later if you want."

Kendall shook his head, nestling closer to James. "There's nothing to talk about, really," he replied sleepily. "You're our best friend, and you like James. I know where you're coming from."

Logan nodded and stared down at his two best friends, curled up together, one asleep and the other drifting into it. He sighed but attempted to smile, and he saw Kendall close his eyes, this time for good.

"I'm gonna go help Carlos with the hot chocolate. You never know what might happen, leaving him alone for that long with boiling water and powder."

* * *

**A/N so we had some more Kendall angst here! I figured I've already put James through enough and believe me, this isn't gonna be one of those stories were James goes oh wait a second Logan's better than Kendall! I am avid kames supporter.**

**So now I have another question – Logan's new love interest. Who should it be – Carlos or an omc? Is Carlos a bit too predictable?**

**Thanks for reading!**


	6. Number Twelve

**A/N okay, so, even though I'm an avid kames supporter… the Jagan in big time sneakers nearly gave me a heart attack! And poor mrs knight. Haha!**

**Also, I'm sorry I didn't update earlier – the power here crashed and we haven't had it for ages, even though the chapter was typed!**

**

* * *

**

"I love you, James."

"I know." James tilted his head and smiled up at Kendall, his lips puffy from the force of kissing for so long and his cheeks flushed. Kendall ran his hand up James' spine and kissed his neck, sucking lightly. He hoped Logan didn't come in, because he didn't think he'd be able to stop touching James – James, who tasted like sweat and warm bath water and soap, and normally Kendall wouldn't like a taste like that, but James made it possible.

James made everything possible.

The reason they were here was because of James and his dream; James, wanting to become famous, wanting the world to see The Face. James had worked so hard and so long, harder than the rest of them combined, to get here and stay here, and now all Kendall wanted to do was hide him away from the world and keep James to himself, where he knew he would be safe, away from prying, perverted eyes and bruising hands and faceless men who wanted to drug him and-

James pulled away from him and looked up at Kendall.

"Don't think about that," he said. "I'm not. I'm just thinking about you."

And so Kendall just let his mind blank out. He let himself get caught up in James' skin, the feel of that warm body beneath his, his hand on James' thigh, where over the course of the day it's practically burned a hole through the denim of James' jeans because Kendall's been rubbing it. James found it soothing, reassuring, and so that's what Kendall did – rubbed his thigh to try and stave off the memories, the confronting the memories, for just a little while longer.

Kendall looked at James' neck, surveying the dark purple bruise. "I gave you a hickey," he announced, feeling ridiculously proud of himself for it.

"You what?" James clapped a hand to his neck. "Kendall! How am I supposed to hide that?"

"You aren't. It's to show everyone you're mine."

"You're being so sentimental I can't even be angry at you." James leaned up to kiss him again, and things were beginning to get heated when the door opened and Logan came in. Kendall tensed for a moment, thought about continuing his ministrations on James's willful body beneath him, then decided not to, simply laying against him and toning it down for their shorter friend.

"You know," Logan said, surveying James' hickey, "a hickey is actually just a bruise formed by blood rising from the capillaries and into the skin when external pulling force is applied to a specific area."

Kendall was glad that Logan was sounding more like himself and smiled. James was smiling too. "It doesn't matter," he declared. "It comes from Kendall."

James' phone buzzed and he reached for it. Kendall was barely aware of him answering, happy to snuggle on the couch. There was that word again – snuggle.

"James. James. Oh God."

Kendall looked up to see James hurrying to the bathroom and Logan following him; Kendall vaulted the back of the couch and pushed Logan aside to get into the bathroom before him. He held back James' hair as his boyfriend, his soul mate, retched violently.

"Logan?" he asked.

"It was the police."

Kendall could have sworn that his blood turned to ice at that; he looked up slowly, rubbing James' back soothingly.

"They have a lineup of suspects," Logan said.

Kendall looked back at James and continued to rub his back, but James spat into the toilet, flushed, and then sat back. Kendall was there, offering his lap again on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. He kissed James' temple and laced their fingers together. James trembled under his hand and Logan felt for fever.

James felt sick of their babying and grateful for it at the same time.

"We'll go when you're ready, James."

"I'll never be ready."

Kendall decided right then that he would never be ready either – not to face the would-be-rapist, not to face the police, not to face the world.

* * *

The police lineup was intimidating to say the least. The cops had reeled in about thirty men with police records of assault or child molestation and had them all in the same room, standing straight with their hands behind their backs. All of them were dirty blonde and most of them were tall and large. James' hand trembled within Kendall's grasp. Kendall squeezed tighter. "It's fine," he whispered to James. "They're in there and we're out here. They can't get to you."

James squeezed back.

"Are you able to identify the man you think you saw in the bar?" the officer asked. "Take your time."

Kendall watched as James' eyes skated over the men. He pointed.

"Number twelve."

Kendall's eyes sought out number twelve, and his heart stuttered to a stop for a moment before launching back into action and beginning to pound with fear. The man had to be at least a head taller than James, not an easy feat, and twice as wide. He was burly, heavily muscled, and Kendall saw that he had those huge hands, the hands that had left prints on James' skin.

"That's him," James said. "Number twelve."

The officer checked his file and frowned. "Wesley Doyle. Age 54. He already has several convictions of rape and he's served a total of twenty years in prison so far."

"Fifty four," Kendall spat, and before he knew it he was punching the glass and James was flinching. "Fifty four! What kind of a sick fuck does something like this? He's old enough to be our grandfather, what's wrong with him and why the fuck is he still walking around in public?"

The officer ignored him. "With his previous convictions and the fact that he's on probation behind him, he'll be sent straight back to jail. James won't have to testify against him, it'll be an automatic five years on his sentence."

"Five years," Kendall spat. "What, so he can get to fifty nine and be let out and rape somebody else? What the fuck is wrong with you people, letting him out there in the first place? People like him deserved to have their dicks cut off and their throats sliced open."

"Kendall!" James sounded appalled. "Come on, let's just… I wanna go home, okay?"

Kendall forced himself to calm down. "Okay," he said quietly. "Fine. Let's go."

* * *

Carlos was worried about him. Logan knew as much. The way the Latino was looking at him, the way he kept shifting in his seat, clued Logan into the fact. Carlos and discreet was an oxymoron; it just didn't happen.

"What is it, Carlos?" Logan tried not to sound as snappy and testy as he was feeling but it was hard. "Do I have something on my face?"

"Other than a miserable expression, you mean?"

"Smart."

"What's wrong, Logan? You've been down ever since you and James talked about whatever it was you talked about on the roof the other day."

"Nothing's wrong, Carlos."

"I'm not stupid, Logan."

"I never said you were, Carlos."

"You implied it, Logan."

"Just stop it, okay? I'm not in the mood to talk about this. I'm not in the mood to talk at all!" Logan stood up and left the room but Carlos followed him stubbornly.

"Too bad! I can tell something's wrong and I haven't been in on this since the start! You guys won't tell me anything about what happened, only that James was almost raped!"

"Why do you want to know the details, Carlos? You're acting like it's town gossip! It's not, James could have been seriously hurt, emotionally and physically, and you're treating this like it's news about the Jennifers' newest gig!"

"I know it's serious! Of course rape is serious! But that's not the problem because you talk about that all the time! So what is the problem, Logan? What's got you so wound up that you're going around shoving words down people's throats?"

"I like James, okay, Carlos? I like James like that! Maybe even love him and I have for years and I've been trying to win him over for years and Kendall only had to try for a week before James was his and there's nothing anybody can say or do to make it better!"

The door opened to the apartment before Carlos could say anything, and James and Kendall entered. James had been crying and Kendall's knuckles were red and scratched, his face a mask of absolute fury.

"James?"

"I'm gonna go have a shower," James said.

"Kendall, what happened?"

"James identified his attacker. Fifty four year old Wesley Doyle. Convicted child rapist. He's already served twenty years in prison." Kendall pressed the scraped knuckles to his mouth. "Fuck!" he exploded. "This is the law's fault!"

"Kendall-"

"There's nothing anyone can say or do to make this right! The law is supposed to stop things like this happening, protect people from ever having to go through this and yet it happens over and over again, kids slipping through the cracks and nobody cares so long as it doesn't happen to them, do they? And it's not just the victims that are affected either!"

"Kendall." Logan grabbed Kendall's shoulders, mindless of those bruised knuckles that looked like they might hit the closest thing. "Kendall, listen to me," he said. "James is in the bathroom right now and he needs you to be there for him. He needs you to be strong for him. He can't do this on his own and he won't let me or Carlos touch him. It's gotta be you who does it."

"Yeah, man," Carlos said shakily. "I mean… adults are supposed to look after us, right? And… he's gotta be scared. Someone's gotta show him that they won't hurt him."

"He's hiding it so well, Logan," Kendall whispered. "I only see it sometimes. He barely sleeps, I haven't seen him in eat in… in forever, really. I know he does, I know that, but I just… Logan, I'm so scared. I'm so scared I'll never get him back."

"He's right here. He's in there."

"Doyle took part of him, Logan. He took part of James away from me. Nobody was supposed to see him like that except me. And I wasn't there for him because I was being stupid and freaking out over something that's not important!"

"It was important enough to James that he went to a bar," Logan said. "It was important enough that he spent the whole day trying to make things perfect. I'm guessing it was probably important to both of you."

"Just because," Carlos stated quietly, "just because you haven't been together that long doesn't mean you love each other any less."

"The world is falling apart," Kendall muttered. "James lacks confidence, I don't know what to do and Carlos is saying wise things. What the hell is going on here?"

"You think we should get James?" Carlos asked.

"Why?" Logan asked.

"He'll freak out," Kendall mumbled, trying to pull himself together.

"Well," Carlos said with dread in his voice, "there's water flooding under the bathroom door."

* * *

Kendall kicked down the bathroom door. His mother was gonna kill him.

James was not drowning, contraire to their over-active imaginations. He was, however, sitting in the bathtub, knees pulled to his chest with his arms wrapped around them, shaking like a leaf, fully clothed. The bath was overflowing and the first thing Logan did was switch of the tap. Plunging his hand into the water, he found it icy cold.

"James, James," Kendall chanted. It was the only thing he could convince himself to say; his mouth was dry and his vision was tunneled into James' face. He was pale, much paler than his usual tan complexion, eyes red, lips almost white.

"We've gotta get him warm," Logan said.

"I'll get a hot water bottle!" Carlos ran from the room and Logan grabbed a pair of sweats and a plain, long-sleeved shirt from James' drawers; he left them with Kendall, who was kneeling beside the bathtub, running a hand through James' hair and a hand over his back. Logan could see the goosebumps on his arm from the cold but Kendall didn't seem to notice. The knees of his jeans were soaked. The bathwater was receding and Logan decided the quickest way to warm James was to run another, warmer, bath.

"Kendall," he said.

Kendall looked at him, puffy-eyed.

"Run a bath. Lukewarm, not hot, the change in temperature could affect his health. See if you can get him out of those clothes. There's a change there for him when he's ready to get out – I'm gonna get a blanket.

Kendall turned the taps on the bath, sniffing softly. James' lips were so dry, so pale, when they were normally light pink and had a light coat of "man balm" on them. Kendall leaned forward and kissed them slightly; he was relieved to find that James gave him a tiny kiss back, the barest amount of pressure on his lips.

James, on the flip side, felt warmth stealing into his toes and knew that Kendall had started filling the bath with lukewarm water. He sat there, shivering, while Carlos ran back in with the hot water bottle. James hugged it to his chest, bowing his head to his knees and wishing the warmth from the bottle would thaw out his heart and the rest of him.

"Thanks, Carlos."

Carlos smiled at him and James felt ridiculous. He hadn't been trying to drown himself; he couldn't reach the tap, he stepped in the bath to turn it on and fell and he'd never gotten the chance to turn on the hot tap. He hadn't meant to end up like this, freaking out his friends and his loyal boyfriend, but he had, and now there was nothing he could do about it.

He felt a little warmer now, thanks to the hot water bottle and the bath. His friends sat gathered around him, Kendall the closest – who he suspected would be in the bath with him if it weren't so small and James weren't so big. He saw that Logan had a pile of blankets on the counter, along with his clothes.

He shivered and Kendall rubbed his back harder.

"Thanks, guys," he said. "For everything."

They all nodded.

"Sure, James," Carlos said. "But you don't have to thank us."

James smiled at him, then turned to Logan. He could feel Kendall's hand shaking and he wondered how long it would be before Kendall exploded and told James to get over himself. He needed to speak to him alone.

"Logan?"

"Yeah?"

James wouldn't ever forget that the look Logan gave him was the look James gave Kendall; one full of admiration and love and fierce protectiveness. He would never forget and it would always hurt him that he couldn't be what Logan needed.

"I'm really hungry," he said softly.

"Right." Logan understood what he was saying. "Come on, Carlos. We'll go make dinner together. Kendall and James haven't eaten since breakfast."

They left and James reluctantly unfolded his arms. In his heart, he knew that Kendall would rather die than hurt him, but right now his head was finding it hard to trust anybody. It was easy for his heart to remember Kendall's hands and voice and all too simple for his head to remember Wesley Doyle's, who was no longer nameless and faceless but a real object to be overcome and conquered.

"Sorry, Kendall. I didn't mean to end up like this."

Kendall shook his head. "Don't apologise. It's not your fault."

"I'm ready to get out."

Kendall plunged his arm into the water and pulled the plug. As soon as it receded, James began to shiver again. Kendall took the hot water bottle and helped him up. James didn't know what to do now; did Kendall help him get undressed (because James knew he couldn't do it himself, not shaking and weak like this) or did he go get Carlos to help because Carlos, being straight, was safe?

James' stress-addled brain briefly pondered Carlos' sexuality - how did they know he was straight, anyway? - before meandering its way back to the more pressing topic – getting changed.

"I need some help," he admitted.

Kendall said nothing, but he smiled and grasped the hem of James' shirt gently.

"This is just like the other day," he told James quietly. "When we were laying there on your bed and I was touching you. This is just like that."

James nodded.

Kendall picked up on his fear; as he lifted the soaked t-shirt, he said, "you remember that time when we played Duluth East in the finals and you got slammed against the wall? Remember how you pretended you were fine for the rest of the game?"

"I remember," James said quietly. His shirt was off and he felt exposed, nipples peaked with cold. Kendall obviously wasn't putting the dry shirt on with his wet jeans; his hands were on James' hips again, snaking for his belt.

"And it turns out you weren't," Kendall continued quietly, and James barely felt the belt buckle slide undone. "You'd sprained your shoulder and pulled muscles all up and down your torso but you'd pretended to be fine because you know how much it meant to me that we win. And I found you in the locker room."

"I couldn't get my sweater off," James recalled, holding Kendall's hands over the button and zipper of his jeans. It wasn't to stop him, it was just reassurance. "Because it hurt so bad."

"And I sat with you and we just started easing it off over your head."

James went bright red when his pants and boxers fell to the floor, but Kendall didn't even look at him there, and James was so glad he felt his eyes water. Kendall handed him the fresh boxers and he pulled those on; Kendall grabbed the sweats and helped with those, supporting James as he slid into them shakily.

"Yeah," James said. "And we got it off eventually. I couldn't even play for most of the rest of the season, I'd screwed up my chest that bad."

Kendall pulled the shirt over his head, and James was suddenly overcome with emotions. He was so glad this was over – this getting undressed and redressed by his boyfriend thing – that he felt his head swim – but he was sad it was over too, because it had left him with the imprint of Kendall's warm hands and words and he wanted to hear more.

"Thank you, Kendall," he said, hoping Kendall understood what he was trying to convey.

Kendall smiled at him and passed him a blanket; James wrapped it around himself and they shuffled out to find that Logan and Carlos had made canned spaghetti and dinosaur chicken for dinner. Logan, normally a stickler for eating at the table and not getting food all over the living room, placed the plates on the coffee table.

"Let's eat here tonight."

James curled up in his blanket and ate while Kendall rubbed his back. He felt warm now, curled in the blanket and watching a senseless program on the television.

His was in Kendall's lap and he was too tired to tell his boyfriend to stop stroking his hair because it was messing it up. He could feel Logan rubbing his feet and knew that Carlos was sitting on the floor near his arms because Carlos got cold easily and was stealing the edge of James' blanket. He didn't mind sharing.

He felt Kendall press a kiss to his cheekbone, and for James, the world quietly flickered out.

* * *

**A/N fluff enough? :D so overall I'm really happy with this chapter, even though it is a bit shorter than the rest. After this I'm gonna write a how they got together sort of thing, I already have it planned out.**

**Thanks for reading, reviews are love!**


	7. Author's Note

**A/N**

**Okay, guys. I'm sorry that you all got alerts for an update because this isn't one. It's just a note and I'd really like it if you read it, because it's important to me.**

**The next chapter of In Your Embrace is going to take a while to write, because I'm aiming for about 5000 words plus. It's, as Gustavo Rocque would say, "almost halfway there" meaning it's almost halfway done.**

**It's also going to be the last.**

**I put a lot of work into this and I don't appreciate people coming and plagiarizing it, especially not when a lot of my own experiences are woven into it. I would honestly rather be flamed than be plagiarized. It makes me angry and more than that, it hurts, because it's like telling me that my story is run-of-the-mill and isn't important. But it's important to me.**

**I've switched fanfiction accounts 5 times because of people plagiarizing me and I'm tired of it. I'm sorry to all of you who have followed this story so faithfully and have never, ever considered copying anything that's been written.**

**For those of you who are wondering about Logan and Carlos and how I'm wrapping them up, don't worry. I'm not really a Cargan supporter but I'll make sure to upload a oneshot for you guys, because you're all awesome and deserve it. And just because I'm not really a Cargan supporter doesn't mean I won't put all my effort into delivering a great piece to you.**

**So the next chapter will be the last and from now on, unless the plagiarism stops, I'll only be writing oneshots.**

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed/favourited this story or me as an author, or who put me under your alerts. It's great to check my email and see so much support and I haven't been flamed once. It makes me feel incredibly special – and guilty, because I know you guys, for the most part, did nothing wrong.**

**I'd like to especially thank The Savage Soul. Guys, she's a completely awesome writer and from what I can tell an awesome person. I was on the verge of deleting this story because of plagiarism when she left me a fantastic review, and so, because of her, I decided to finish it. So this story is now dedicated to her. And her awesome writing!**

**Again, I am so so so so so sorry that this is the end and I'm sorry for this author's note.**

**Thanks for all your support and wonderful reviews and just for sticking with me. it means a lot to me and that's why i'm finishing this story. :)**


	8. In Which They Come Together

**A/N so, the last chapter! I've had an awesome time writing this. Make sure to read the author's note at the end! :P**

**P.S – Usernameless! It was a reference to Adam Lambert. I love that guy! :D**

**

* * *

**

The sun was only just beginning to rise when James awoke the next morning, still curled up in his blanket with his head in Kendall's lap. Sleep fogged his brain, and for a moment, he simply pulled the blanket closer with a single, slow, lethargic movement and shifted his feet in Logan's lap. He shut his eyes again.

He felt Logan squeeze his feet about ten seconds later and realised the TV was still on, just quiet, and that Logan was awake. Judging by the way Kendall's hand was draped around his shoulder and neck lifelessly, he was still asleep. He raised a hand to Kendall's and held it lightly, rubbing his thumb across the back.

"Morning, James," Logan said to him.

"Mmm," James mumbled sleepily, pressing the back of his head closer to Kendall's stomach where it was warm and comfortable (Kendall had bony knees). His hip was sore from digging into the couch and his body was stiff with sleep and exhaustion; he wanted to lay there and never move.

"Sleep okay?"

"Yeah," James mumbled, finally feeling coherent. "You?"

"I didn't. There was a documentary on how hospitals are run in Britain. I stayed up to watch."

James cracked his eyes open and smiled before rolling onto his back, cuddling Kendall's arm up around his neck with both hands. Logan adjusted the blanket over his legs carefully and smiled at him. "You slept like a baby."

"What time is it?"

"About five in the morning."

"Really?" James mumbled. "Why are we awake so early?"

"You fell asleep at about eight. You were pretty tired."

James shivered and Logan leaned over, rubbing his arm through the long-sleeved top. James snuggled back further into Kendall, who was possibly the warmest thing he'd ever felt. He felt Kendall's arms tighten around him.

"James? Alright?"

"Yeah, Kendall, just cold."

Kendall ran a hand up and down his side lazily, using his thumb to stroke James' jaw awkwardly, as James still had his arm in a death grip with both hands. With both of them rubbing his upper torso, James felt warmer. He soon felt a hand on his face and opened his eyes, going cross-eyed when he saw how close Carlos was.

"Carlos!"

"Sorry, man, but I felt left out! Everyone else was doing it!"

Kendall tugged up the blanket and leaned down, giving James a kiss, even though they both had morning breath and hadn't brushed their teeth last night before bed. James sighed and nudged Kendall's nose with his, beginning to feel sleepy again.

"Carlos," Logan was saying, "if everyone else was bungee jumping off a cliff, would you join them?"

"Yes!"

"Bad example. If everyone signed up to remedial math, would you join them?

"No way!"

"I wouldn't," James put in helpfully. "Mr. Smitty scared the crap out of me. I mean, he sprayed us with spray nozzles."

"He drank milk out of the carton," Carlos said wisely. He stood up and stretched. "Do you want anything, guys?"

"Nah," Logan and Kendall responded.

"I'm cold," James said.

At least he isn't scared of asking for help, Kendall reflected, stroking James' hair softly with his palm. That would have made things worse.

Carlos came back with a blanket, and James smiled as he tugged it around himself. "Thanks."

Carlos blew him a playful kiss. "Anything for you, darling."

"Dude," Logan said to Carlos, smiling, "that was effortlessly gay."

"And so what if I am?"

Then there was silence.

* * *

Before Kendall and James had started loving it up, Carlos had never really thought much about his sexuality. He was too busy completing dangerous exploits in the name of getting an adrenaline rush. And then James and Kendall had gotten together and Carlos' world had been tipped upside down, and not in a good way.

Because then of course Carlos had been confused. He looked at Kendall and James and he liked what he saw, and not in a brotherly way, either. But then he looked at Logan, and, well, he REALLY liked what he saw when he looked at Logan.

He liked that Logan was smart, and could be so funny, and knew how to treat a broken bone because Carlos was in danger of getting those every day, at the least. He liked that Logan could cook, and he liked that Logan was too nervous around Camille to ask her out properly.

And then there was those seventy two hours.

Those seventy two hours where James had been missing. At first, he had seen Kendall become hurt, and then angry, at James' absence. When James wasn't back by eight that night, Kendall was concerned. Carlos thought about that – if only any of them had thought to ring the tallest member of Big Time Rush, James mightn't be going through this at all.

But that was the thing, Carlos reflected. They hadn't rung him. Logan had been pissed, Kendall was convinced he'd done something wrong and Carlos, well, Carlos didn't think it was any of his business to be calling James. James was his buddy and all, but Carlos had been friends with Kendall for five years before meeting James.

Beneath the foundations of their seemingly perfect relationships there were cracks, hidden agendas and secret loyalties. It was no secret that James and Kendall were devoted to one another, but Logan and Carlos had their favourites too.

And if they hadn't, if they hadn't been stupid about this entire thing, if they'd let Kendall sort it out instead of butting their noses in where they shouldn't be, James would be okay.

Sure, James was alright physically. Carlos had heard Kendall discussing some bruises in muted tones behind closed doors, and he had been worried until Kendall said they were gone. Logan said that James was sick because of stress, and that kind of made sense, but neither of them were looking deeper, to wrapped up in how much they both loved James. Carlos had seen it – the glitter of James' eyes when he thought nobody was watching, his flinching at loud noises, the fear that lurked behind his expression.

James was scared.

James didn't wrestle with Carlos playfully anymore. Now, it seemed to be that any touching was minimal and on James' terms, unless it came from Kendall. He didn't laugh as much, didn't eat as much, wasn't as loud. They were small signs that their friend was suffering, but they were obvious signs, and Carlos wondered if it could even be fixed.

How did you fix a person if it wasn't an injury? Logan knew how to fix physical things – a cold, a sore throat, broken bones, cuts. But did Logan know how to fix James' problem, his inability to trust? How did you fix something like that?

Carlos wished he was smarter. Kendall was smart. Logan was beyond smart. James acted dumb but he was reasonably intelligent as well, at least able to attain B's in his subjects with a little help from Logan and Kendall.

Carlos needed a lot of help with everything. And he wished he knew how to fix James.

He wished Logan knew how to fix James.

And then of course Logan had told him that he liked James, and Carlos was thrown for another loop entirely. He had only just figured out that he liked Logan like that and was trying to show he cared when he asked what was wrong, and then Logan had blown up.

And the worst thing was that Carlos couldn't be mad. He knew where Logan was coming from. It was hard liking someone who didn't want you in return. It had worked out fine for Kendall and James. And not so fine for Logan and Carlos.

And then Carlos had chickened out, not told any of them, just glad that James seemed to recover from the almost-drowning-in-the-bathtub fiasco. He was just glad that Kendall had pulled himself back together and was handling things properly, like Kendall always did, and Logan was being Logan and being unnecessarily smart and cooking fancy things like spaghetti and helping him make hot chocolate and come on, what were the chances that all four of them were gay?

And then of course he had to go and remember that he still enjoyed watching girls by the pool, and he was spun around again. What was he, gay, straight, ALIEN? He researched it and found he was bisexual and that was even scarier than being gay, because did that mean he could fall in love with a transvestite? He hadn't liked The Rocky Horror Picture Show at all!

His friends now were staring at him with mouths agape in shock and surprise. James' eyes were so wide they looked like they might pop out, and Kendall's jaw snapped shut with an audible click. Easy enough to say they were surprised. But what about Logan? Logan wasn't saying anything, doing anything, looking like anything!

"So… you're gay?"

"Bi," Carlos said nervously.

"Oh," Kendall said.

"Awesome!" James said with a big grin.

Logan said nothing.

* * *

"Do you think Logan's freaking out?"

"Why?" Kendall squirmed into a fresh t-shirt after emerging from the bathroom in a cloud of steam. James, being James, had run around yelling about humidity and steam and what it did to his hair, until Kendall had shut the bathroom door.

"Because that's what Logan does," James said. "He freaks out over the tiniest thing he never noticed and then he's all like why didn't I see this before now?" James imitated Logan's worried face and Kendall laughed.

"He doesn't do… okay, maybe he does."

"It's Logan. He's just over-analytical like that."

"Where did _you_ learn a word like analytical?" Kendall demanded, searching for his right shoe.

"I'm not just The Face, Kendall. I do read."

"Read."

"Yes! Sometimes. Um, not really. Pop Tiger… you know." James sighed, then brightened almost in the same instant. "Ha! I read an article on the ultimate fate of the universe two weeks ago on Wikipedia! I do read!"

"You read an article about what?" Kendall asked, totally dumbstruck.

"The ultimate fate of the universe."

Kendall shook his head and pressed a kiss to James' lips. Unlike their last few gentle kisses, this one was searing, and to his shock, James opened his mouth when Kendall's tongue traced his lips teasingly; they'd never really gotten up to that before the incident, either. Kendall's main concern was messing up what had come prior to this – their friendship.

James' mouth was sweet and Kendall found himself gripping James' face for better leverage; he felt every one of those white teeth, explored James' tongue with his own and breathed through his nose. Even then, he could feel the air draining out of him. Being with James always took more oxygen than should really be necessary.

James detached from him suddenly, blushing red and offering a small smile.

"Sorry. I don't…"

"It's fine," Kendall reassured.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," James told him quietly, and proceeded to move into the bathroom. Kendall wanted to follow, remembering the bathtub incident, but invading James' privacy would do more harm than good if he had no viable reason to do so.

Instead, he picked up his cell and dialed a number that had become extremely familiar to him since arriving at the Palm Woods.

"Hello, Jo Taylor speaking." Kendall could imagine her sitting on her bed or at the pool, painting her fingernails or toe nails or applying makeup or practicing her lines or something girly like that, maybe curling her hair. Maybe she was just kicking back with Pop Tiger magazine, and maybe she was daydreaming about Jett.

Kendall had more pressing matters on his mind, though – namely one James Diamond and one anniversary he'd never gotten around to celebrating.

"Jo, I need your help."

* * *

James exited the shower to find Kendall gone and a small note on his pillow. James picked it up, saw it was addressed to him (as James love :P) and smiled. While he wanted to open it, he also felt exposed standing in only a towel, even in his own house.

_Damn Wesley Doyle._

The thought surprised him; before now, he had never harbored feelings of hatred and anger towards his attacker, only ones of hurt, disbelief, fear. Never before had he felt so angry at any person or thing.

_I just want to be normal. I want to be able to drag Kendall into the bedroom and want him to do things to me. I don't want to be scared of someone who's locked up in prison. I want to want Kendall to touch me. In every way._

He shook those thoughts away and changed into jeans and a t-shirt, then sauntered over to the note again. He opened it.

_James,_

_I have a treasure hunt for you. :)_

_Now, go to the place we first felt a connection._

James frowned at the note and thought hard for a moment. Then, smiling, he headed over to his and Kendall's shared cupboard – James' clothes on one side and Kendall's on the other. There was a noticeable difference in styles. James smiled as he reflected on why his and Kendall's clothes were in the same wardrobe to begin with.

* * *

_James came in sneezing from the improvised snow down at the Palm Woods park. His hair was matted to his face – not a good look, he decided – and he was freezing cold, despite the fact that it was still warm outside. _

_Walking into the closet was a bad idea, he'd decided. He was shivering so hard he had somehow managed to jam the door shut behind him in his search for a sweatshirt; he stood there for a moment, unsure of what to do, and eventually sat on the ground._

_He pulled his box towards him. He'd never told anybody about it, except Kendall. It had pictures of Before, the name James had given to their time in Minnesota. His absent father and almost-as-absent mother were among the pictures, along with old drawings of his childhood._

_He was in there for a while before Kendall opened the cupboard door from the other side and found James shivering at the bottom. Smiling, he pulled down James' favourite sweatshirt and handed it to him._

"_Maybe we should share a cupboard. In case you lock yourself in again." Kendall reached down an hand and helped pull James to his feet, who staggered a little and continued to shiver. He stared at Kendall when his hand wasn't released and felt the chemistry charging up the air rapidly; he broke their stare to look away._

_Kendall dropped his hand._

_James just smiled awkwardly as Kendall left, his hand warm from where Kendall had helped him to his feet._

_

* * *

_

It was definitely one of James' fondest memories, and the first time he remembered being attracted to Kendall in that way.

There was a note resting on the sweatshirt Kendall had handed James that day, and he unpinned it from the clothing, opening it to read.

_Good on making the first clue! I knew you'd remember. Now go to where it all began._

_I love you, James._

James smiled, grabbing the sweatshirt and heading for the staircase.

* * *

_The staircase was where it all began._

_After Gustavo's comment that the stairs were much faster than the elevator, that's what the boys used. After all, why crowd into a smell, packed little cubicle with people you didn't even necessarily like when you could breeze down the stairs and beat them to the best part of the pool?_

_They were just heading down the stairs when it happened. _

_It was something Kendall would never forget, not for the rest of his life, not for as long as he still breathed. James had been about to step onto the stairs when Jett, Jo's co-star, came running past, responding to a paparazzi call. _

_He knocked James._

_James slipped._

_James fell._

_He let out a surprised yell and Kendall surged forward, trying to grab him, but it was too late for that; James had already started tumbling down the stairs, head over heels, thudding and crying out as he did._

"_JAMES!"_

_Kendall had never felt a worse fear in his life. For a moment, his blood froze, his muscles seized up and his vision fogged and faded to black, as if his body was threatening to faint, and then he, Logan and Carlos were moving – down the stairs, as fast as they could go safely, where James lay at the bottom. Kendall couldn't see James moving._

_He's dead._

_The thought hit Kendall like a ton of bricks, and he stopped, clinging to the rail of the stairs in fear. He could dimly hear Logan yelling and Carlos whimpering and a profound silence from James past the beat of his own heart. _

_If James was dead he wasn't going down there. He couldn't. James was his best friend. James whom he wished was more than his best friend. _

"_Kendall, get down here, now!"_

_Logan's voice jolted his legs to life, and he ran down the stairs. Logan and Carlos were crouched by James' side, who was sitting up but crumpled, his arms braced across his ribs. Kendall's brain flew to a hundred thousand possibilities – broken ribs, punctured lung, thank you very much Logan for informing him about this – before he crouched by James' side._

"_James?"_

_James let out a feeble whimper and Kendall's heart jumped in his chest, panicked and feeble like a broken bird. _

"_Kendall," Logan said._

_Kendall looked up at him._

"_Carlos and I can't move him, we're not strong enough," Logan said. "You stay here with him and we'll go get some help. Carlos, find Mrs. Knight while I call an ambulance."_

"_Wait, where are you-"_

_But Carlos and Logan were both already gone. _

_He turned back to James and noted the way his friend stared at him, with streaming eyes and a face that was bleached unhealthily of colour. James' arms were still clamped down around his ribs, and Kendall swallowed._

"_What hurts?" he asked._

"_Ribs," James gasped out. "Head."_

"_Come on, it can't be comfortable to sit like that." He should lie down, Kendall thought nervously, but there was no room on the tiny, overcrowded landing. He moved closer to James, determined to help him, whether it made him uncomfortable or not. Slipping an arm around his friend's shoulders, he lowered himself to stare at James' face._

"_Come on. Put your arm around my neck and we'll get to the top of the stairs. It'll be more comfortable up there, we have to keep the pressure off your ribs."_

_James reluctantly and jerkily moved the arm closest to Kendall away from his ribs and wound it around his neck. James' arm was warm and Kendall wished it was there under better circumstances. Seeing James' ribs paining him, Kendall replaced James' arm with his own, wrapping it around his waist and gripping the hip furthest from his own body._

"_I've got you, James."_

_They tried to take a step but Kendall wasn't expecting James to buckle in his grasp and almost fall down. Kendall, who had been staring at their feet, saw James' knees give way and reacted in the only way he knew how to; he caught him with his arm braced behind James' thighs. _

"_I've got you, I've got you," he stammered._

"_I don't wanna go upstairs."_

"_It'll be better once we get there," Kendall said desperately. "Please, James."_

"_I can't."_

_Kendall steeled himself, then lifted James quickly. The weight was staggering; James was mostly muscle and about two inches taller than Kendall, and that made things awkward. If he had ever lifted James like this before now, his friend might have killed him. Now, he tucked his head close to Kendall's shoulder and tightened his fingers on Kendall's shoulder._

"_I'll carry you," Kendall said._

"_Okay."_

_Kendall made his way up the stairs, anxiety fuelling his strength. He barely felt his arms or legs burning and didn't feel his back start to ache, even though he'd feel it later. At the top of the stairs, he set James down as gently as possible, laying him out flat._

"_See?" Kendall panted. "That was fine."_

_James gave him a tiny smile, and Kendall felt a bit better – for a moment. The next, he was bowing his head close to James' and kissing his forcefully, cupping that delicate face between his hands. He had thought about doing this so many times and it wasn't exactly the way he'd imagined it._

"_God, James," he choked out, feeling tears streak his face and knowing they were falling onto James' – and not caring. He shuffled closer and held James lightly, but still as hard as he could without hurting him. "Don't ever do that again."_

"_Sorry, Kendall."_

_And Kendall would be damned if James didn't sound happy._

_

* * *

_

James pulled the sticky note off the place in the stairs where he'd rested that day, clutching his ribs. No permanent damage, just severe bruising. It had been a few days off, and of course Kendall, Logan and Carlos couldn't practice without him. Or so they claimed.

He smiled at the sticky note.

_So apparently you remember that day as well as I do. I stand by what I said then – don't ever do that again! That was the first time we kissed, or rather I kissed you, but we didn't make it official till a few days later._

_Go to the place where we did. :)_

James tucked the note in his pocket and knew he was grinning from ear to ear. If Bitters caught him, he would be in a world of trouble, but right now, James didn't care. He had even almost forgotten about his would be attacker, Wesley Doyle, and all his evil.

James scaled the fire escape, holding his sweatshirt in his teeth. He knew why he needed it now – Kendall was waiting for him on the roof.

The roof that made everything possible.

* * *

_James often came to the roof top whenever he was confused, and now was one such occasion. He had loved Kendall, if he was honest with himself, for a really long time, a love that had only made itself known during his first audition with Gustavo Rocque. _

_And he was confused._

_His ribs still ached and he knew he shouldn't have climbed the fire escape, not with the horrible, mottled bruising still clinging to his offended washboard abs. He knew he was supposed to be alternating between and a heat pack and a cold pack, to bring the bruising down and reduce pain, but right now, he needed to think._

_Kendall had stayed with him on the stairs. Kendall had carried him up to the top so James could rest comfortably. James understood that because he'd have done the same for Kendall in that situation. What he didn't understand was the kiss – that beautiful clumsy kiss. _

_Kendall could have told him without the kiss and therein lay James' problem. He had been so addled at the time by the pain and the fear that he hadn't really known what was going on and that scared him. James Diamond always knew what was going on. _

_Until it came to Kendall Knight. And then he had no idea. _

_Kendall Knight really spun him for a loop._

_Here was the thing. Kendall could be the sweetest guy around. He would make his friends soup when they were sick and put up with their whining and complaining and didn't complain himself once. Yet he could also be incredibly insensitive._

_So James didn't know if Kendall was his Knight in shining armor, riding in on a white horse to save him from himself, or just a retard wearing broken tin foil and riding a small grey donkey._

"_James?"_

_He turned to see Kendall climbing over the fire escape and hurrying towards him. "Thank God I found you," he panted, "Mom's freaking out! Doesn't your stomach hurt?"_

"_It's not so bad."_

_And then they lapsed into silence. After a while, Kendall came and sat down next to James, staring out at the sunset and feeling the rooftop cool. A breeze blew past, and James shivered; Kendall put both arms around him, one around his chest and the other around his back._

_James said nothing, just smiled. Kendall looked at him, bit his lip, and then forced his gaze back out to the sunset._

"_I'm keeping you warm," he said._

"_Okay," James said, still smiling. He nestled in closer to Kendall, sighing and closing his eyes. His stomach hurt but not badly, so he decided that Kendall didn't need to know about it. He sighed, knowing that they had to talk._

"_You kissed me on the staircase."_

_Kendall tensed, turning his face away._

"_I'm not mad," James said. "Just… why?"_

"_I was worried about you. I wanted you to be okay."_

"_So you kissed me better?" James didn't think his smile could get any bigger than it was at the moment; Kendall looked at him and didn't seem to be able to resist grinning himself. "You usually kiss people where they're hurt," he said teasingly. _

"_Kissing your stomach would have been inappropriate," Kendall said._

_James waggled his eyebrows suggestively._

"_James Diamond, are you flirting with me?"_

"_Kendall Knight, you started it."_

"_How is that?"_

"_You put your arms around me," James said smugly. "And cuddled me like I'm a big teddy bear. I know you like teddy bears."_

"_Shh, James." But Kendall was smiling. "So I suppose we are flirting."_

"_I suppose we are."_

"_If we're going to spend this much time flirting, why don't we just make it official?" Kendall's grip was warm around him and James wanted nothing more in the world; they hadn't come together with a crashing boom of love or an explosion of passion, but rather in the manner a butterfly lands on a baby's nose – gently and beautifully. _

"_What are we making official, Kendall Knight?"_

"_We're making it official that you're mine."_

"_Say it again."_

"_You're mine."_

"_Again."_

"_Do you want me to tell the whole world? Because I will."_

"_That's okay. Here, and now, this is good."_

_

* * *

_

Another day James would never forget.

James came out upon the rooftop, the wind buffeting his hair around his face. He shivered and slid his arms into the sweatshirt, too lazy to pull it over his head entirely.

An alcove that housed the air condition vents was protected from the wind tonight, and he saw that, to his amazement, Kendall had towed up numerous blankets and pillows and even a mattress up here, somehow, with candles and food and a CD player.

"Kendall, what's this?" he asked, smiling. He knew Kendall was around here somewhere.

Kendall wrapped his arms around James' waist from behind, smiling and kissing his neck lovingly. "This," he said, "is our belated anniversary celebration. I know we didn't get to celebrate our two month anniversary, but we've been together almost three months now, so I'm calling it our second and a half month anniversary."

"Only Kendall Knight could come up with a title like that." James relaxed back into Kendall's waiting arms and body, shutting his eyes. "This is amazing," he murmured.

"I'm impressed. You worked out the treasure hunt," Kendall said with a smile.

"I'm impressed with myself," James joked.

Kendall turned him around and led him to the mattress. James sank down on it and lay down, smiling, not even thinking about what might happen next. He knew Kendall wouldn't hurt him or use him while he was this vulnerable.

Kendall lay down beside him and turned on his side. James smiled at him, and they lay in silence for a while longer.

"What are you thinking?" Kendall asked.

"I'm thinking that I have the best boyfriend in the world."

"No," Kendall said. "I'm pretty sure that's me."

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

James rolled to his stomach and lay his head down on his arms, feeling the breeze lift his shirt and shivering. Kendall pulled up a blanket and James waited until he had his boyfriend's full attention before addressing him.

"Thanks for putting up with me these past few weeks. I know it can't be fun." James shook his head. "I mean, I got sick, I broke down crying, had a panic attack, got sick… again… nearly drowned myself…"

Kendall stared at him, then reached over and rubbed James' back. "None of it was your fault," he said softly. "You didn't ask for this."

"I know," James said easily, and he really did. He did know it wasn't his fault, and he knew that now that Wesley Doyle was behind bars, everything would be fine. He knew, more than anything and more than ever, that Kendall was there for him.

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks – he wanted Kendall to make love to him. All night on this roof top on this bed. He wanted Kendall to touch him and make him forget that Wesley Doyle had ever entered his life. But he wasn't going to say anything just yet.

"The police called today," Kendall said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I asked them why he stopped."

James opened his eyes. "What'd they say?"

"Apparently, someone recognized you going into the hotel," Kendall said. "They saw you were drugged and they called the cops. That's why he was already behind bars – but they couldn't find you anywhere in the hotel. Someone saved your life, James."

"I wonder who they were. I wish I knew."

"So do I. I wanna send them flowers."

"They save my life and you're sending them flowers?"

"Good point."

James could only laugh at that, and he shimmied closer to Kendall's body, bumping their hips together. It was the closest they'd been since before the incident. James didn't feel scared. He felt calm, confident.

"Kendall?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to touch me."

"Like the other day?"

"No."

Kendall looked at him slowly. "James. Are you sure…?"

"Never been more sure of anything in my life," James said. "I just want to forget him, Kendall. And I never even got a chance to memorize what you might have felt like. I want that really badly, and I don't wanna wait. Waiting was part of the problem."

* * *

Kendall realised he might be in for a wild ride when James pulled him on top of him.

Kendall rested between James' legs for a moment before ducking his head to kiss him hard and searing. James breathed out through his nose in a huff and pulled Kendall closer by his neck; Kendall raised James off the mattress and pressed their stomachs together with an arm around his waist.

Before he knew what was happening, James had locked one leg around Kendall's hips, refusing to let him move. Kendall had imagined this a hundred thousand times and had spent many hours in a cold shower, but never had he imagined that James would be so passionate and fiery in the bedroom. Or the bedroof.

Kendall needed to stop naming things. James was right. He was awful at it.

Kendall pushed his hips down experimentally, gently, and James' fingers dug into his neck painfully. James himself detached from their kiss and gasped out. Kendall didn't think he'd ever seen anything so beautiful in his life, and he went straight for James' exposed neck.

"Kendall," James said.

James' lips wrapping around his name was like a bolt straight to his dick; he was desperately hoping James didn't suddenly decide that he didn't want to do this after all.

James' fingers fumbled at his belt buckle and eventually got it undone with a snicking noise. Kendall pushed James' arms above his head and pulled off his shirt; James' hair was haloed out on the bed behind him, his eyes hooded and alive with lust, the pupils dilated with pleasure. Kendall ran his hands up and down James' sides, relishing in the goosebumps that followed the path of his hands.

"I still can't believe you're mine," he told James, tracing his jaw lovingly.

"I can't believe you want me."

James' leg tightened insistently around Kendall's hips, and he hurried out of his shirt. James eyed him appreciatively, smiling.

_He's not scared at all,_ Kendall realised. _But we haven't started really touching yet_.

He placed a hand carefully against the crotch of James' jeans. Just like he was expecting, their tussle took a complete one eighty degree turn; James jumped and shrank into the mattress.

"It's alright," Kendall soothed. "It's just me, James. It's just me."

He felt James relax, and with that relaxation came a returning sense of arousal. He stroked the zip of James' jeans with his thumb carefully, smiling down at his boyfriend and trying to be reassuring, even though he didn't really know how to, in this situation.

"I'm not him."

"I know," James said confidently. "Just give me a minute."

"I'll give you as many as you want."

"You're a hopeless romantic, Kendall Knight."

"I know," Kendall said, smiling. "But you love me anyway."

"This is a weird conversation to be having like this."

"It really is."

James' hands went for his belt again, pulling it off and unbuttoning the button on his jeans, the zip coming soon after. Kendall waited patiently.

"Okay," James said, nodding timidly. "Alright."

Kendall palmed James' jeans gently, watching as his boyfriend gasped and moaned and writhed beneath him. The leg around his waist clenched tighter, spasming with the strength James was using to hold onto him.

"Kendall," James choked.

Kendall kicked his jeans off so that only his boxers remained. He felt self conscious for a moment before realising that he and James had seen each other naked in the change rooms at hockey plenty of times. Still, this was different.

"Do you like that?" It was a serious question.

"Yes," James panted out. "Yeah."

"That's good."

"Take my jeans off?" James implored.

So Kendall tugged at James' expensive belt and put it to the side, knowing that throwing it could result in death or worse. He unzipped James' jeans and undid the button, sliding them off gently. James stared up at him, tears glittering in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Kendall asked worriedly. "We can stop-"

"I'm fine," James whispered, touching Kendall's cheek gently. "I'm absolutely fine."

Both of them were only in their boxers, and Kendall was amazed at how warm James was, like a fire burning beneath him. Kendall wanted to spend the night here, mapping out the expanses of tan skin that adorned his boyfriend's torso, wanted to trace every crevice and make James moan – but he knew there would be plenty of time for that.

There would be plenty of time for everything.

Kendall, on impulse, leaned forward and gave James' belly button an experimental lick. The reaction was instantaneous; James grabbed his hair and raised both legs, gasping out his name. Kendall could feel the tension building in his stomach.

"I love you," he heard James whisper. "I love you."

The words stirred Kendall's heart even more powerfully than they usually did; he became slowly aware that he and James were both crying and sniffed softly, attempting to stem the flow of tears. He could hear it now – _Kendall Knight cries his way through sex_. It wasn't what he wanted to be remembered for.

"Kendall. I want to see you."

So Kendall slid up, pressing his hardened erection into James' pelvis. James tipped his head back but stared at him, eyes bright pinpricks in the darkness. He placed his hand on the waistband of James' boxers and waited.

"Go ahead," James whispered.

Kendall slowly pulled down James' boxers, and this time, he allowed himself to look. James was amazing. His whole body was amazing. Kendall couldn't believe how sleek and powerful James' thighs looked; he had a little less trouble when James' left leg came back up around his hips.

This is what he wanted to be remembered for. He wanted to be remembered for being James Diamond's boyfriend.

Kendall flipped the cap on the lube open when James tugged at his boxers. He was unsure of where to start; letting instinct guide him, he traced down to James' opening and ran his finger along it lightly. James lifted his hips and whined, a sinfully sexy noise from deep within his throat.

"Just relax," Kendall said.

He started to push and James shuffled up on the bed. Kendall thought for a moment about how to get past this, how to get past this part, because James had been violated like this in the first place, and was bound to recall those memories (nightmares of men twice as big as him named Wesley Doyle who were pedophiles and who wanted to hurt rape kill him) as soon as Kendall touched him.

"James, look at me," Kendall said.

James opened his eyes and Kendall kissed away a few tears threatening to spill.

"It's me," Kendall said softly. "Not him."

James looked at him, and Kendall succeeded in getting his finger inside. He thought that maybe the world was blinking into nonexistence with the appearance of black spots in his vision, then realised he was holding his breath, waiting for the fear to kick in and separate them like it had early on, like it had in the beginning.

"I love you," Kendall said. "I love you and he can't take that away from me, not ever."

James nodded as Kendall inserted another finger. He saw James blink his eyes shut in pain and waited until James nodded before slowly starting to scissor inside, stroking James' inner walls, hoping he wasn't doing more harm than good.

"I want you to remember this," Kendall said, kissing James' throat. He tasted sweat and excitement and fear. "I want you to remember that I was your first and that it didn't hurt."

James nodded. "I won't forget."

For James, it was as frightening as it was exhilarating to have Kendall's moving like that inside him. It felt weird but at the same time, the vague memory of Wesley Doyle didn't match up to Kendall's loving embrace.

"How's that?"

"I don't know. It doesn't really – oh." James' sentence trailed away as Kendall touched something inside him and the world faded to white and his ears rang. _I didn't know Kendall's fingers could do that,_ James thought fuzzily.

"Good?"

"Do that again," James pleaded.

Kendall touched the hard nub again and James turned into a writhing puddle beneath him, pushing down on his fingers and keeping his leg wrapped over Kendall's hips. Kendall took James' erection in his hand and started stroking slowly.

"Kendall," James moaned.

Kendall coated his erection in the lube and began to nudge against James' entrance. James gasped beneath him, writhed, and Kendall had never seen anything so sinfully beautiful – James' innocent visage gave way to an erotic creature of the night.

Kendall began to push in.

"Stop!"

Kendall stopped abruptly, starting at James' cry. His boyfriend had an arm slung across his eyes and the thigh around Kendall's hips was trembling; James's chest was heaving unevenly.

"James?"

"It hurts. Just… give me a moment."

"I'll give you as many minutes as you want."

James smiled. Kendall leaned down to kiss him, softly kneading James' left hip under his palm, hoping it might help soothe some of the pain away.

"Okay," James said.

"Okay?"

"Move."

Kendall slowly rolled his hips forward, biting his lip. James' tight passage was clenched around him like a vice, and Kendall felt sweat rolling down his temples. It was the best feeling he'd ever experienced and completely different from anything he'd ever experienced at the same time.

"That's good," James whispered.

Kendall sucked on James' collarbone as he thrust deeper, and suddenly, James bucked beneath him. His arms came up around Kendall's shoulders and his mouth was abruptly occupied by James' tongue.

"Do that again," James moaned.

Kendall pumped his hips forward, taking James' length in his other hand and stroking it hard as he pushed forward. James delivered a sharp nip to his upper lip and he knew it was bleeding, but couldn't find it in himself to care.

For a moment, everything ceased to exist. All Kendall knew was the god lying beneath him and the pleasure coursing through his veins like a drug.

"Kendall!"

Kendall felt James' passage clamp around him and knew James had just come, judging by the way he was whimpering beneath him. James' orgasm pushed Kendall over the edge; he spilled himself into James and collapsed on top of him, wrapping his arms around his new lover's waist.

James let his leg slip from Kendall's waist and lay beneath him, panting heavily. He turned his head and Kendall offered him a sloppy, lazy kiss.

"I love you," they said.

Wesley Doyle fell away. Logan's hurtful words ceased to matter, and anything that might have come between them before no longer held any meaning to either.

The sun was starting to rise.

* * *

Kendall was still laying against James by the time the world was only just beginning to awaken, trembling like a newborn kitten and feeling hot and cold at the same time. James rubbed Kendall's back softly, staring up at the disappearing stars. His hair fell limp against the pillow, brushed back off his forehead.

"The stars are smiling," he mumbled.

Kendall nestled closer to him. James could tell by his breathing that his new lover was falling asleep, and decided that Kendall had the right idea.

It was time for rest.

James closed his eyes and knew only one thing – that when he awoke, it would be to Kendall's smile and soft green eyes.

_Then I see your face_

_I know I'm finally yours_

_I find everything_

_I thought I lost before_

_You call my name_

_I come to you in pieces_

_So you can make me whole._

_

* * *

_

**A/N FINITO! COMPLETE! I am so proud of myself! More than anything, I'm proud of you guys, for sticking with me and reviewing and favouriting and putting me on alert and just for reading! You guys are the best! I hope this last chapter was worth the wait, and I'm already getting started on my next Kames oneshot :) also, the Cargan oneshot might be slow coming – my primary focus is Kames and I have exams on this week. I'm going to write whenever I can though!**

**so again, thank you guys soooo much for reading this! every review has meant a lot to me, and every time you guys favourited or put me on alerts, you have no idea how happy you made me! i'd also like to thank you all, cause this is the first story i've ever finished.**

**bon voyage!  
**


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